“What is this I don’t even… is that a dead body?”
~American Patent Office Worker
We here at AFFotD have often paused to step back and applaud the lunacy of those inventive Americans who come up with products no one needs and submits them for patents. And while many of these products never will see the light of day, at their best they show America’s intrepid creativity, and at their worst remind us that Jigsaw probably took the time to submit most of his torture devices for official patents.
Today we’re going to focus on that latter group.
While patents tend to range from “useful” to “absurd” there is a subset that falls into the “terrifying” category. Primarily because these devices were clearly invented by serial killers who had to really stretch to find a non-murder use for their products. But their illustrations speak for themselves, unlike their poor victims who are currently fruitlessly shouting at the soundproofed walls of these inventor’s kill rooms.
Hold onto your hats, America, shit’s about to get dark.
America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)
“Oh no…they’re back…”
~Former friends/associates/relatives of American patent holders
We’ve tried to warn you, time and time again, about the insanity you can discover when you delve into the murky world of American’s Patent Holders. You might ask yourself, “AFFotD, why do you keep doing this to us? Over and over again, you expose us to the horrific psyches of deranged men and women who create terrifying products, and for what reason?” To that we can only ask, do you know why the Saw franchise has seven titles to its name? Because you keep coming back asking for more!
And as much as we value your sanity, it appears we can’t stop until we’ve turned you all into the singular patent holder that haunts every nightmare a psychologist will ever have. So let’s dive into the murky, murky muck.
An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents
“*silent, terrifying grin*”
~U.S. Patent Holders
We have, on occasion, taken a moment to look at some of the more mind-melting patents that have been approved in America. While we support these patents as a sign of the same American ingenuity that led to the invention of the internet as a way to ensure Japan keeps itself busy inventing terrifying pornography, we also love the fact that the more imaginatively insane members of our society are the ones who are most likely to wake up in a cold sweat one night and decide, “My God, I need to invent a mechanical ice cream cone!” Honestly, the booming patent industry is probably the reason why our serial killers have such lower body totals than their predecessors, since they’re too busy trying to invent a knife that also can be worn as a shirt to be spending as much time hunting for victims.
And where there are Americans showing their inner psychological issues in absurd, hilarious ways, we at AFFotD are here, ready to handpick some of the best and display for you…
More of America’s Even Crazier Patents
“Penises…it all looks like penises to me now…”
“You’d think it never gets old…and it really doesn’t.”
~US Patent Office Worker
As we’ve previously discussed, American patents are ridiculous expressions of the American spirit. The patent process is so American that, if you go to the Government’s search engine for patents that came out in the past 40 years and type in “alcohol” you get 414,477 results. “But AFFotD,” you may be saying as you shudder off a shot of rough whiskey, “alcohol is a common element in medical and chemical research, so that doesn’t really tell us that much. Okay, fine naysayer, so try searching for “Alcohol and guns.” 1,859 hits! Hell, even going the redundant route0by searching for “Alcohol and guns and beer” yields you 51 patents.
Yes, Americans love coming up with insane things that have no purpose, but most of them don’t have anything to do with alcohol or guns. That being said, a surprising amount of American patents were invented by people that have a mannequin named Mother that they use to store their family of pet Pill Bugs. These inventors magically appear behind you if you say their patent numbers out loud three times into a mirror. That’s right, we’re here to delve into the very depths of insanity with…
More Insane American Patents
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Insane Patents
Tagged America, Bird Diaper, Insane Patents, Patents, Van Nuys, Van Nuys California, Weird Patents, Wesley Johnson, Wesley Johnson of Van Nuys California, Wesley K. Johnson, Wesley K. Johnson of Van Nuys California