“It’s magnificent. It’s glorious. I can see a beautiful shining light. I’m heading towards it.”
~Every American With A Pre-Existing Heart Condition Eating Any Item On This List
Doughnuts. They’re so hot right now. Doughnuts. While doughnuts have been fattening Americans up under the guise of “Breakfast” for hundreds of years, they’ve recently experience a renaissance among those brave individuals who like to intake their sugary carbs in savory or alcoholic forms. We now live in a world where any doughnut shop that doesn’t make a maple bacon doughnut is full of shit, and if you’ve never tried a doughnut covered in fruit loops you’re not legally allowed to vote in Oregon.
What once was just a simple fried dough confectionery for the masses has now evolved farther than it was ever intended, sort of like New Jersey. But unlike New Jersey, the vast majority of the strange, bewildering doughnut products that we’re being exposed to are actually delicious, enjoyable, and something you’d consider taking home to your parents. Your fat parents. From the fat side of your family. That you eat fatty foods with. Just…fat…fat… JUST LISTEN THIS IS A LIST OF SANDWICHES MADE WITH DOUGHNUTS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO EAT THEM RIGHT NOW FAT FAT ALL AT ONCE FAT FAT FATTIE SOO-WEE SOO-WEE OINK OINK OINK!!!!! oh wow, Jesus Christ, we don’t know what happened there. We started looking at our research for this article, and everything went red for a second, and when we woke up we were covered in jam somehow. God, we hope it’s jam.
Anyway, the 2010s have been a revolutionary time for people who like doughnuts, but hate the fact that you can’t buy them with additionally unhealthy foods in the middle. And they’ve gone out of their way to correct this oversight by making…
America’s 7 Craziest Doughnut Sandwiches
We don’t know who invented the sandwich, though if we had to guess we’d say it was the Earl of Essex. Still, it’s strange to think that there was a time before sandwiches existed, when people would eat slices of bread without even thinking of putting meat, condiments, or hundreds of dollars’ worth of ingredients in between. Likewise, doughnuts were around for hundreds of years before the Luther started to appear in county fairs, junk food restaurants, and the nightmares of nutritionists. That was just the beginning, because once we realized, “Holy shit, you can totally cut a doughnut like a bagel and put shit in it” the flood doors were opened, and so many people are going to die with a smile on their face because of it. Since we’re pretty sure that your face freezes into a sort of hideously demonic looking grin when your heart implodes. Ha ha, diet and exercise and living past 50 is overrated! Onto the sandwiches!
DUNKIN DONUTS GLAZED DONUT BREAKFAST SANDWICH
You can tell that a trend has been around forever once the media latches onto a specific example of a fad and reports on it with a sense of awe, fear, and admonition usually reserved for new parents the first time they see that their child has just totally wrecked a diaper. “FOUR LOKO IS ALCOHOL WITH CAFFEINE THAT TASTES SWEET!” they scream at us two years after we were at that party where Schmiddy had a minor heart attack after his seventh vodka red bull. “YOUNG PEOPLE ARE USING TEXT MESSAGES TO SEND NAKED PICTURES!” they shout as we squirm uncomfortably in front of Chris Hansen. “TEENAGERS ARE DOING A ‘CINNAMON CHALLENEGE’ AND IT COULD MAYBE PROBABLY NOT KILL YOU!” they alert us while our cinnamon challenge video has been up for, seriously, two years now, and we’ve not even topped 100 hits, what the shit is that? So when everyone begins tripping over themselves to report on Dunkin Donuts’ glazed doughnut breakfast sandwich it’s enough to make you think that the whole “using a doughnut as bread” thing might be over and done with.
Then we take a look at the sandwich up there and realize, we can never stay mad at you, doughnut sandwiches. As far as food crammed between sliced doughnuts go, the Dunkin Doughnuts breakfast sandwich is downright healthy—while numerous news articles breathlessly report that this dish of peppered eggs and bacon in between a standard Dunkin Donut has a whole 360 calories, they don’t mention how the multigrain bagel from their “DD Smart Health Menu” has 350. While early reviews of the sandwich have proved to be underwhelming, it still passes the true American culinary test, which is “will most people see it on a menu, shrug, and say ‘eh, whatever, I’d eat it’?”
Eh. We’d eat it.
KRISPY KREME SLOPPY JOE
While the good folks at Krispy Kreme haven’t exactly responded to Dunkin Donut’s foray into the sweet-meets-savory game with the typically American “anything you can do I can do better” attitude, “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian, inventor of deep-fried Kool-Aid and deep-friend breakfast cereal, clearly did when he introduced the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe to the San Diego County Fair. The very concept of this dish seems flawed, since you’d think putting something called a “sloppy Joe” on a bun that, usually, has a hole in the middle would be a good way to ensure that an obscene amount of the meat, cheese, and tomato sauce seeps out while you eat it. Krispy Kreme doesn’t endorse this product, or plan to sell it themselves, which is disappointing but understandable when you think about how many millions of dollars they would have to spend cleaning red stains out of each and every franchises’ everythings.
Still, this remains a curiosity, something we’d desperately want to try, even as we tremble in fear anticipating what will become of us when we do. Will we gag at this combination of flavors that honestly shouldn’t go together so long as there’s a just god in this world (we can get behind mixing doughnuts and beef, but doughnuts and tomatoes sounds like a crime against taste buds) or will we take a single bite, shed a single tear at the realization that we’ve found our favorite food, and that it’s awful, before slowly wading into the ocean until the current takes us out to sea never to be seen again? Actually, no matter what we’d probably be so drunk when we ate it that we’d wake up six hours later with red stains all over our shirts shouting, “Oh goddamn it, it happened again! Guess I should call my lawyer.”
THE MONTE CRISTO DOUGHNUT
The Glazed Gourmet in Charleston, South Carolina, knows our darkest, most twisted fantasies. Sure, we can donate to charity (buying beer for high schoolers who can’t afford fake IDs is a charity, right?) and smile politely in public events all we want, but Glazed Gourmet knows about that time we had that dream where we were having sex with a family feast bucket of KFC chicken and were mildly disappointed when we woke up and it wasn’t real. They know. And knowing the sick, shameful ways Americans look at food, they saw a doughnut and said, “We know you want a sandwich of ham, melted cheese, and strawberry jam placed inside a glazed doughnut and dusted with powdered sugar.” They know us better than we know ourselves. Of course we love sandwiches that are traditionally dipped in batter and fried, but we don’t have the courage to stand up and admit that we’d rather take things up a notch by replacing that fried bread with an even more delicious, sugary, unhealthy lump of fried dough.
We’re not saying that the glazed doughnut Monte Cristo is being used as some sort of sadistic method of population control to kill off everyone with diabetes, we’re just saying that if you placed one of these near a diabetic, it would be impossible for them to resist it, and we’re pretty sure that there’s enough sugar deliciousness in the picture above to knock even a completely healthy person into a diabetic coma.
PUMPKIN PULLED PORK SANDWICH
This is the one item on this list that’s more or less made by scratch, and its existence seems to be confined to a youtube video of two stoned guys cooking a “midnight snack” that’s more complex and labor intensive than anything you’ve ever even considered trying to cook in your life. We’ve watched the video a dozen times, and we can guarantee that if we ever tried making this ourselves we’d end up looking like The Hound from Game of Thrones after we forget how you’re supposed to put out a grease fire.
The pulled pork is slow cooked with pumpkin, which was something we didn’t know you could do, and is topped with candied cayenne bacon, which again is a combination of words we didn’t know existed but now we want to eat it immediately, and barbeque sauce, which surprisingly is the only thing they don’t try to have you make from scratch in this entire video. Speaking of making everything from scratch, they create and deep fry carrot cake doughnuts in front of our eyes, though adding vegetables to the thing seems to defeat the purpose of having a doughnut, with a carrot glaze, which involves using some sort of magic to extract juice from shredded carrots, which our scientists assure us is impossible, so these guys must have just CGI’d it in post.
So if you’re a culinary master chef with a PHD in cookery (that’s a thing right?) you can just amble over to your kitchen, put some yogurt, pumpkin puree, nutmeg, allspice, ginger, pepper, cinnamon, and salt in a slow cooker with some bone-in pork butt, let that cook for a whole day, and then bake up some bacon with sugar and cayenne pepper on it, while creating a yeast-less carrot cake doughnut out of shredded carrots, sour cream, flour, eggs, sugar, vegetable oil, cinnamon, nutmeg, and baking powder, which you scoop out, fry in boiling oil, cover in a glaze of sugar and carrot juice, cut in half, and fill with pulled pork, bacon, and barbeque sauce as you collapse of exhaustion before you have the chance to even take a bite of what now looks and smells like the best thing you’ve ever created in your otherwise worthless life. When you wake up, they’ll be gone, having been munched on by your roommate as you lay in a deep sleep like a man who succumbed to dehydration moments before reaching water, and your roommate will assure you that they were “so good, man, you should make these more often.”
And then, there is nothing left for you to do but weep.
KFC DOUBLE DOWN LUTHER BURGER
The Luther is the old standby for doughnut sandwiches, putting meat and bacon in between a halved doughnut as a sweet savory treat enjoyed by everyone who owns a shirt that has an unexplainable grease stain that never washes out no matter how hard you try. Now, some “classy” restaurants try to ramp up the Luther by replacing the hamburger that most Luther’s are, by definition, comprised of with fried chicken. These dishes look delicious, but almost unsettlingly wholesome. You know it’ll give you a heart attack, but it’ll probably be one of those “oh, my chest feels a little heavy, I should call a hospital and get an EKG” sort of heart attacks, and not one of those “Oh God, the pain is unbearable, I’m not gonna make it, Jimmy. Tell your sister she was a mistake” heart attacks. You know, a heart attack.
The folks at Top Cultured took the “fried chicken Luther” idea and took it to its logical, terrifying conclusion—the KFC Double Down Luther Burger. There’s an old folk saying in America—when a giant fast food corporation makes a terrifyingly unhealthy bacon sandwich/sodium delivery system that replaces bread with fried chicken, it’s your God-given duty to put that between two halves of a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Yes, as far as adages go, it’s a bit of a mouthful, which would probably explain why you’ve never heard it before, but the fact remains that this is a real thing that people have done.
The Double Down sandwich in its original form is a unique exercise in regret. Eating one is much like soliciting a prostitute for the first time—on a primal, carnal level you’re aware that you’re enjoying the experience, but as soon as you’re finished you feel dirty and experience a unique form of guilt knowing you’ve done something shameful that you’ll never be able to un-do. No matter what, for the rest of your life, if someone asks you if you’ve partaken in that one regrettable activity, you will have to hang your head and say, “Yes. Once.” Anyway, if eating a Double Down is like that, we’d have to imagine eating a Double Down Luther would basically be the equivalent of accidentally killing a hooker during. It’s messy, terrifying, and even though it will haunt you for the rest of your life you will tell no one the things you’ve done.
But you’ll know. You’ll know that you did it, and even worse, a small part of you, the blackest part of your soul you constantly struggle to bury so deep it can never be seen, knows you liked it. And wants to do it again.
GRILLED CHEESE DOUGHNUT
Wow that got dark there for a second. Let’s regroup here. Wow, a grilled cheese made with a doughnut! That sounds delightful! Yay! Let us talk of dead hookers and dark urges no longer! This one has banana on it! Om nom nom!
Tom + Chee opened in Cincinnati, where it has multiple locations, but you can also find it just across the Ohio River in Louisville, because such awesomeness cannot be confined to a single state. They offer a grilled cheese doughnut, but don’t limit themselves to the basic “cheddar melted in between two doughnut halves” approach. Sure, you can get that, but why not get a fancy grilled cheese doughnut? Like caramelized banana with gouda. Or peanut butter, banana, and mozzarella. Or blueberry and blue cheese. Hell, you can even build your own, adding whatever cheese, meats, and toppings you want as a way to punish your body for making you feel out of breath whenever you go up more than two stairs.
It never occurred to you to use a doughnut to make a grilled cheese, but the moment you heard about this you had an internal debate about if you have enough vacation days to just hop in a car and drive to Ohio to try one, didn’t you? That’s okay, we don’t blame you. When we posted that picture, half of our staff ran out to their cars so fast that their chairs are still spinning. We’ll let them get away with it so long as they bring back some for the rest of us.
THE LADY’S BRUNCH BURGER
We’re not here to say that Paula Deen is a bad person who doesn’t know how to cook, and instead just throws unhealthy shit together in an attempt to get the highest sugar/fat/calorie content imaginable. Well, we’re pretty much saying that, we just mean to point out that, as much as we love unhealthy, pointless food, we can’t get behind Paula Deen. We know how to deep fry cheesecake and give it to our kids for breakfast ourselves, thank you very much, we don’t need a heavily mascara’d Oompa Loompa to tell us that.
Maybe that’s why this testament to arterial plaque rubs us the wrong way—Paula Deen basically added some shit to a Luther and acted like she invented the concept of making a doughnut sandwich. In this case, it’s a hamburger that’s topped with a fried egg and bacon between two whole doughnuts, which basically has been a “Luther with a Fried Egg” since the 70s. She also added her own flair by putting a whole English muffin in there, because carbs.
We tried to figure out the calorie count of this burger, but the website we used just linked us to this video and our computer caught on fire, so we’re going to go out on a limb and say it’s not exactly healthy. Really the most “impressive” part of this recipe is that you’re asked to make the hamburger yourself out of ground beef, onions, and seasoning, which basically means that you’re being asked to turn meat glop into a patty of meat glop, which if you’ll remember is what Play-Dough spent years training us to do. Otherwise, you just buy bacon, eggs, and doughnuts. Oh right, and English muffins for reasons we will never understand. Anyway, EAT UP FATTY WE ARE ALL WATCHING YOU EAT AND ARE LAUGHING AT YOU RIGHT TO YOUR FACE BECAUSE OINK OINK SNORT SNORT SOO-WEE SOO-WEE oh wow, sorry about that, again, everything just went red. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have some doughnut sandwiches to drunkenly eat.