“Listen, KFC, we need to talk. You guys might need to…start cooling your shit.”
We as a society have an incredibly short memory when it comes to change. We freak the fuck out whenever Facebook alters it’s news feed only to completely forget about our reaction the next time they change the layout and we again, collectively, lose our shit. That ability to accept the occasional big change while glossing over the small ones is completely natural, but it does mean that every so often we need to take a step back and look to see if we’ve gone too far. Similarly to how you can watch eight seasons of a TV show and not realize how much the actors have aged until you revisit the first episode, we might not realize how far off the rails some of our favorite American establishments have gone until we take a step back and compare it to Japan.
Which brings us to our inaugural edition of our latest running article—The State of Our Union. We will take an iconic American establishment and look at it with fresh, new eyes, to put in perspective if it truly is American, or if we’ve created a monster. First up, we have a beloved institution that has been in existence since 1930—KFC, the artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The State of Our Union: KFC
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Posted in America's Culinary Treats
Tagged America, Chicken Sandwich, Colonel Sanders, Double Down, Extra Crispy, Famous Bowls, Fast Food, Fried Chicken, Fried Foods, Go Cups, Grilled Chicken, Harland Sanders, Hot Wings, Kentucky, Kentucky Fried Chicken, KFC, KFC Corsage, KFC Double Down, KFC Famous Bowls, KFC Menu, Original Recipe, State of Our Union
“It’s magnificent. It’s glorious. I can see a beautiful shining light. I’m heading towards it.”
~Every American With A Pre-Existing Heart Condition Eating Any Item On This List
Doughnuts. They’re so hot right now. Doughnuts. While doughnuts have been fattening Americans up under the guise of “Breakfast” for hundreds of years, they’ve recently experience a renaissance among those brave individuals who like to intake their sugary carbs in savory or alcoholic forms. We now live in a world where any doughnut shop that doesn’t make a maple bacon doughnut is full of shit, and if you’ve never tried a doughnut covered in fruit loops you’re not legally allowed to vote in Oregon.
What once was just a simple fried dough confectionery for the masses has now evolved farther than it was ever intended, sort of like New Jersey. But unlike New Jersey, the vast majority of the strange, bewildering doughnut products that we’re being exposed to are actually delicious, enjoyable, and something you’d consider taking home to your parents. Your fat parents. From the fat side of your family. That you eat fatty foods with. Just…fat…fat… JUST LISTEN THIS IS A LIST OF SANDWICHES MADE WITH DOUGHNUTS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO EAT THEM RIGHT NOW FAT FAT ALL AT ONCE FAT FAT FATTIE SOO-WEE SOO-WEE OINK OINK OINK!!!!! oh wow, Jesus Christ, we don’t know what happened there. We started looking at our research for this article, and everything went red for a second, and when we woke up we were covered in jam somehow. God, we hope it’s jam.
Anyway, the 2010s have been a revolutionary time for people who like doughnuts, but hate the fact that you can’t buy them with additionally unhealthy foods in the middle. And they’ve gone out of their way to correct this oversight by making…
America’s 7 Craziest Doughnut Sandwiches
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Posted in Fried Foods, Strange Foods
Tagged America, “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian, Breakfast Sandwich, Donut, Doughnut Sandwich, Doughnuts, Dunkin Doughnuts, Grilled Cheese, KFC, KFC Double Down, Krispy Kreme, Lady's Brunch Burger, Luther, Luther Burger, Midnight Snack, Monte Cristo, Paula Deen, Pulled Pork, Sandwhich, Sloppy Joe, State Fair
“It’s delicious! *slap* It’s disgusting! *slap* IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”
The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern. Shotguns? American. Environmentalists? Not American. Hot Dogs? American. Tofu? What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here? Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.
“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”
This isn’t always the case, however. Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers. Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”? What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.
We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes. With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it. You just don’t.”
That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits. We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.
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Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Flavored Vodka, Chinatown, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka, Cupcake flavored vodka, cupcakes, Devil's Food, Die Hard, Faye Dunaway, Filet Mignon, Frosting, Gin, KFC Double Down, pizza, Pizza Flavored Hamburger, Rocky, Tito's Vodka, Tofu, Tofu is not American, Tootsie Roll, Tootsie Roll Pop, vodka, Watermelons, Whiskey