“Thank God they’re finally getting to New York on this list. New York doesn’t get enough written about it. New York is the most important city in the most important state in the most important country in the world, and they’d better give it it’s due. Honestly, just knowing that AFFotD is going to write about the most American aspect of New York gives me chills, because I can’t fathom how they could limit it to JUST one thing! New York is THE cultural hotbed of the nation. If it weren’t for New York, we WOULDN’T HAVE ANY CULTURE! I honestly don’t see why you’d live anywhere else. Sure, some people might rag on us, say we come off as entitled and just because we pay a thousand dollars to live in a closet space in Manhattan doesn’t make us better than anyone else, but to them I’d say that if you can make it here, you can make it ANYWHERE. And if you don’t like the New York attitude, you clearly just don’t like being a winner. New York has the best food in the nation, it has the best theater in the nation, all the best TV shows and movies are filmed here, our women are more attractive than your women, our men are more successful than your men, our babies’ shit has a less unpleasant consistency than your babies’ shit, if you’re in New York you know it’s for a reason, and it’s because you’re the cream of the crop, the best America has to offer. And I’m not talking about those mindless drones tittering around Central Park with their cameras and their Kansas City notions, I’m talking about REAL New Yorkers. The Lawyers in Manhattan, the Graphic Designers in Brooklyn, the…well I don’t know anyone who lives in Queens, but I do know that you, right now, wish you were us, and I don’t blame you. Oh man, I’m so excited to see what they pick out as the most American part of New York. You have no idea. It better not be the Statue of Liberty, because that’s just for fucking tourists. Maybe it’ll be that our parties NEVER stop, I mean, we ARE the city that never sleeps after all. Man. So excited. New York is the greatest. I’m the greatest. Yeah. I’m so great.”
~A randomly surveyed New Yorker
As you may have no doubt surmised, we’re diving head first into part three of our epic ten-part series, The American States of America, where we list the most American quality of each state, and you deflate a bit with disappointment when you read what we have to say about where you’re from. As we list each state in order of when they were admitted to the union, this will mark the first of our series where we start talking about states that weren’t among the original 13 colonies. We know, pretty wild stuff. Anyway, you’re clearly excited for the first state in this batch, so we’ll just get to it.
“I can’t even think straight I just want to eat Turkey.”
~AFFotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Look at that little spot on the map. the 24th. Turkey day. Goddamn it we’re so excited. Do you know we have someone on staff whose only job is to kill turkeys the week of Thanksgiving? We only need like, 5 of them to feed the office. And we pay him $40,000 to do that. And that’s after he’s explicitly told us he’d do it for free. We didn’t care. We wanted to pay him to kill birds for a week. That’s our right, goddamn it. It’s our right.
Anyway, here’s what happened today in the past.
Today in American History (America Version)
“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”
Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.” No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list. Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task. Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah he did that too.
“If I haven’t gotten drunk to the point that I start hallucinating, it’s been a crap night. Now, who wants to duel?”
While the America Fun Fact of the Day staff never really paid much attention in History Class, we do remember at one point hearing “something something that turns that cogs of the American machine.” Knowing what we know about America (namely everything, despite whatever that bitch of an American History summer school teacher told us) there is only one logical thing this could have been referring to.
That, of course, is booze. And of all the boozes out there, only one is so American it was discovered in America, created in America, named after somewhere in American, and is responsible for more spouses accidentally falling down the stairs in America than a Green Bay Packers loss.
We are of course referring to the brownest of the browns, the sweetest of the sweet, giver of life and hangovers. Bourbon.