Category Archives: Today in American History

Every Sunday we bring in our lazy Research department to tell you what happened on that particular day throughout the course of American History. Here are the results.

America Fun Fact of the Day 1/15- January 15th in American History

“You gotta do the weekend right.  You gotta get yourself kicked out of a bar.”

~The Constitution

As the weekend draws to a close, and snow blankets the parts of America that people pay attention to (shut it, California), we all take part in our favorite pastimes- getting ripped before we go to the bars, because goddamn it’s cold and it’s better to just feel something other than the cold.  The dark, haunting cold.

Woah there, that got weird.  You know how we do.

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/8- January 8th in American History

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!”

~Ha

It’s the year of the Mayans, which means we have less than a year until some sort of space planet eats our magnetic poles with an asteroid or something.  But look on the bright side- if the world ends in December, you don’t have to worry about liver disease!  We’re drunk right now, is what we’re trying to say.  Onto the history!

Today’s Date in American History

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Happy New Year, America

“Whose vomit is this?”

~…Sorry, guys

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals

“AGHHHHHHH”

~Home Alone

Today is Sunday, the day that we do “Today in American History.”  Today is also Christmas.  We’re going to be honest, all of us have gone home to spend time with our families (the Walker family, the Van Winkle family, the Beam family, the Cuervo family, the… you get the idea) so we just set up a computer program to write a brief article about Christmas (the input was- 3 parts booze jokes, 2 parts fatty food references, 1 part dick jokes).

So today is Christmas.  Every other day in history, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s been December 25th, and that is Christmas.  Boozy Christmas, whiskey, bourbon, Christmas ham, Christmas cookies, penis.

So Merry Christmas, and hopefully you’re too busy spending drunken time with your family to be reading this.  Unless you’re not Christian, in which case befriend a nice Christian family and use it as an excuse to scam a free meal out of them.  Happy holidays!

 

America Fun Fact of the Day 12/18- December 18th in American History

“Come on, you know no one gives a crap about what happened on any day in December other than Christmas.”

~You, the reader

Can you feel that in the air?  That soft cold embrace from winter?  “No, I actually live in the southern half of the United States, it’s still quite warm” okay well fuck you, you’re clearly not the target demographic for that sentence.  “Yeah but I’m still like half of the nation’s population” just, okay?  Okay?  We were trying to be poetic and you ruined it, you suck.

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/11- December 11th in American History

“Shit it’s almost 2012.”

~Your calendar

As we head into the holiday season, most of us prepare for Christmas because, you know, booze and presents.  But in the holiday fervor it’s easy to forget that 2012 is just around the corner.  2012.  Can you believe that?  That’s one more than 2011, and incalculably far from 2013 since the world is going to end in 2012.  So enjoy the fun facts while you can, before Mayan Ghosts throw a dark planet at our magnetic poles or some shit.

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/4- December 4th in American History

“December.  On the plus side- Christmas.  On the down side- winter.”

~Farmer’s Almanac

December has come, meaning that winter is fast approaching.  Unless you live south of the equator, but truth be told we’re not 100% convinced that anyone actually lives down there.  So as we brace for the winter, we take comfort in spending the cold months with our friends, loved ones, and whiskey was the second thing we just said.

And of course you will have fun facts to get you through these harsh winter months.  Well not today though.  Today we’re half-assing it again so we can present…

Today’s Date in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/27- November 27th in American History

“Oh so we’re still doing this?”

~AFFotD Staff

So it’s another Sunday, so it’s another day to just blandly point out what has happened previous in this day’s history.  but this is the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  It normally isn’t this early.  So what we’re trying to say is…we’re still drunk.  Amuse yourself by watching this video.  Here’s the deal with…

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/20- November 20th in American History

“I can’t even think straight I just want to eat Turkey.”

~AFFotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

Look at that little spot on the map.  the 24th.  Turkey day.  Goddamn it we’re so excited.  Do you know we have someone on staff whose only job is to kill turkeys the week of Thanksgiving?  We only need like, 5 of them to feed the office.  And we pay him $40,000 to do that.  And that’s after he’s explicitly told us he’d do it for free.  We didn’t care.  We wanted to pay him to kill birds for a week.  That’s our right, goddamn it.  It’s our right.

Anyway, here’s what happened today in the past.

Today in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/13- November 13th in American History

“This daylight savings thing is starting to suck, isn’t it?”

~You

Sundays during the late fall and early winter are rough after Daylight Savings Time has come about.  Darkness by 5?  The hell kind of bullshit is that?  Well, as the days get shorter and shorter, we can still do our typical Friday cop out and let you know what else has happened during this particular square on the calender with…

Today’s Date in American History (America Edition)

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