“I can’t even think straight I just want to eat Turkey.”
~AFFotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Look at that little spot on the map. the 24th. Turkey day. Goddamn it we’re so excited. Do you know we have someone on staff whose only job is to kill turkeys the week of Thanksgiving? We only need like, 5 of them to feed the office. And we pay him $40,000 to do that. And that’s after he’s explicitly told us he’d do it for free. We didn’t care. We wanted to pay him to kill birds for a week. That’s our right, goddamn it. It’s our right.
Anyway, here’s what happened today in the past.
Today in American History (America Version)
“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, FDR, Florida, Jack Kerouac, Jack Thompson is a douchebag, Japan, Jersey Shore, John Wilkes Booth, North Korea, Penny Arcade, Snookie