“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers
Tagged Alcohol, America, American History, American Presidents, Andrew Johnson, Babe Ruth, Charles Bukowski, drinkers, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Frank Sinatra, heroes, Jack Daniels, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Thomas, Ulysses S. Grant, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs Drinking
“Jack Kerouac drank himself to death, and I just ain’t that high.”
We don’t talk about American writers too often because, well to be honest, a distressingly high percentage of our staff has never read anything longer than a Jack Daniels label. Yes, we rocked you some Ernest Hemingway knowledge way back when, but come on. Look at the guy. Doesn’t Hemingway look like the type of man whose ghost you’d not want to piss off?
That being said, there is one writer in particular who was badass enough that he was able to warrant his own fun fact even though our 1950’s predecessors virulently hated the social group he inspired. A man who didn’t so much “write books” as he did “describe his drug and booze fueled crime sprees.” A true American who drank so much his stomach exploded.
This man, of course, is Jack Kerouac.
“Fuck you, literature, here’s some Kerouac coming right atchya.”
“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, FDR, Florida, Jack Kerouac, Jack Thompson is a douchebag, Japan, Jersey Shore, John Wilkes Booth, North Korea, Penny Arcade, Snookie