“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers
Tagged Alcohol, America, American History, American Presidents, Andrew Johnson, Babe Ruth, Charles Bukowski, drinkers, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Frank Sinatra, heroes, Jack Daniels, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Thomas, Ulysses S. Grant, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs Drinking
“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”
Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.
But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.
Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Andrew Jackson, Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson
“Yeah, that’s something I would say.”
It’s Saturday, so it’s time for another Image of the Week. This one is particularly glorious, if we do say so ourselves.
“Nothing comes closer to satiating my ungodly bull bloodlust than a nice slice of Key Lime. And lots of alcohol.”
We all often hear things described as being “as American as Apple Pie.” It’s a simple, lazy way to say something is typically American. Early America Fun Fact of the Day staffers assumed that baseball is the most American thing next to ecstasy and apple pies until Jon Hamm, our mailroom worker and a relatively recent hire, decided to do a little research, and discovered that Apple Pie’s “American” nature is grossly exaggerated.
Apples did not even originate in the United States- they had to be brought over by the English, where apple pies had long been popular. But the American colonists, showing the true American spirit, said, “fuck pies” and used the apples to make alcoholic cider instead. While there is a town called “Pie Town” named after apple pies, it’s in New Mexico, which is just three letters and a space away from being Mexico. So, we at the America Fun Fact of the Day had to smash up our Apple Pie cooking station from our offices, and ban ourselves from using the term “as American as Apple Pie” (this is entirely unrelated to the fact that every AFFotD can be summarized by saying “____ is as American as Apple Pie”).
But that left a void in our pastry loving, red-blooded hearts. What could replace Apple Pie as our Pie Messiah?
There was only one possible answer, only one baked dessert loaded with sweet, sweet, cavity creating sugar, and invented right here in the U.S. of A.
The Key Lime Pie. Continue reading
“Of course there’s a quote about me describing the taste of Lion meat. I’m Ernest Fucking Hemingway”
~Ernest “Fucking” Hemingway
Typically, news outlets enjoy blowing stories out of proportion if they feel they’ve stumbled upon a particularly juicy tidbit of information. Much like a 7th grade cabal of gossipy girls, they employ the “he told me that she told me that he wants to” methods of knowledge transference. “Jimmy’s sister told Obama’s Press Secretary told a New York Times Reporter told The Associated Press that Nancy Pelosi totally shook hands with John Edwards OMG!” Sensationalism sells. And one particular hot topic appears to be the consumption of a meat that we at the AFFotD want to try, just because we’re pretty sure it will give us powers. But apparently mentioning it as a consumable food is enough to warrant death threats and the ire of a whole slew of the population.
And really, we must ask. What the hell is wrong with wanting to eat some goddamn lion meat?
It’s either us or them…
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Bald Eagles, Beer, Ben Franklin, Bendy Straws, Bluebirds, C. Dale Petersen, Charlie Brown, Chipotle, Disney, Ernest Hemingway, Everglads, Facebook, Farmville, Fortune Magazine, Fuck Nature, George WAshington, Hamburgers, hot dogs, Iced drinks, ipad, ipod, JFK, John Wayne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kegs, Key Lime Pie, Las Vegas, Patagonia, Redwood Trees, Spring Break, Stealth Bomber, Sushi, Teddy Roosevelt, Tiffany's, Ulysses S. Grant, Vuvuzela, Whisky
“For me, bullfighting is much like driving. I’m much better at it when I’ve been drinking.”
American writers are a difficult group to pin down. They can be champions of American virtues, the AFFotD-approved freelancers who punch bears and write sonnets, or they can be Dan Brown. For every Mark Twain, there’s a Stephenie Meyer (who AFFotD staffers had to look up the name of several times by googling “that chick who wrote those shitty vampire books.”) But when discussing American authors who were American, the entire AFFotD staff agreed that if there is a gold standard for American badass writers, the list would have to start with one Ernest Miller Hemingway, a writer so righteously American that, when we accidentally started to spell his name with two M’s instead of one, the ghost of his beard apparated and kicked Chuck Palahniuk so hard in the genitals that his balls penned a short story deriding materialism in society.
That’s right, Hemingway’s beard’s ghost is American enough to indirectly pen a short story good enough to get published in the New Yorker. Not that we can say we were surprised. Come on. Look at that thing.
And with that look, seven French women just became impregnated.