“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”
~…Ugh. Fucking Brits.
We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting. We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.
Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts. That’s our bad. Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)
“State of nature, motherfuckers.”
Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing. Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp. And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.
See that? That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records. The shit is that? Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread? Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it. Looks like it’s time for…
AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting
Posted in Strange America
Tagged 7-11, baseball bats, Beer goggles, Billy Elliot, Calvin and Hobbes, Convenience Store, Cop, Cricket, Dexter, flaming dr. pepper, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, John Hobbes, London Bobby, London Riots, Looters Guide to Riots, Looting, Makers Mark, molotov cocktails, My Fair Lady, Police, Rioting, Sony, Sweet Caroline, Whiskey
“Nothing comes closer to satiating my ungodly bull bloodlust than a nice slice of Key Lime. And lots of alcohol.”
We all often hear things described as being “as American as Apple Pie.” It’s a simple, lazy way to say something is typically American. Early America Fun Fact of the Day staffers assumed that baseball is the most American thing next to ecstasy and apple pies until Jon Hamm, our mailroom worker and a relatively recent hire, decided to do a little research, and discovered that Apple Pie’s “American” nature is grossly exaggerated.
Apples did not even originate in the United States- they had to be brought over by the English, where apple pies had long been popular. But the American colonists, showing the true American spirit, said, “fuck pies” and used the apples to make alcoholic cider instead. While there is a town called “Pie Town” named after apple pies, it’s in New Mexico, which is just three letters and a space away from being Mexico. So, we at the America Fun Fact of the Day had to smash up our Apple Pie cooking station from our offices, and ban ourselves from using the term “as American as Apple Pie” (this is entirely unrelated to the fact that every AFFotD can be summarized by saying “____ is as American as Apple Pie”).
But that left a void in our pastry loving, red-blooded hearts. What could replace Apple Pie as our Pie Messiah?
There was only one possible answer, only one baked dessert loaded with sweet, sweet, cavity creating sugar, and invented right here in the U.S. of A.
The Key Lime Pie. Continue reading