How to Eat Lion Meat

“Of course there’s a quote about me describing the taste of Lion meat.  I’m Ernest Fucking Hemingway”

~Ernest “Fucking” Hemingway

Typically, news outlets enjoy blowing stories out of proportion if they feel they’ve stumbled upon a particularly juicy tidbit of information.  Much like a 7^th grade cabal of gossipy girls, they employ the “he told me that she told me that he wants to” methods of knowledge transference.  “Jimmy’s sister told Obama’s Press Secretary told a New York Times Reporter told The Associated Press that Nancy Pelosi totally shook hands with John Edwards OMG!”  Sensationalism sells.  And one particular hot topic appears to be the consumption of a meat that we at the AFFotD want to try, just because we’re pretty sure it will give us powers.  But apparently mentioning it as a consumable food is enough to warrant death threats and the ire of a whole slew of the population.

And really, we must ask.  What the hell is wrong with wanting to eat some goddamn lion meat?

It’s either us or them…

Two instances of lion meat stories broke the internet, largely with the help of outraged CNN (Crazy Needless News) articles.  The first restaurant, a Mesa, Arizona establishment, wanted to celebrate the South African World Cup by selling hamburgers that were a mixture of Lions meat and ground beef.  “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE,” the masses shouted.  Then, more recently, a Tuscan, AZ restaurant offered a one-day-only special of Lions meat tacos.  The combination of public outrage and death threats were so massive that the restaurant decided to cancel the Lion Tacos day.

So, while we at AFFotD are staunchly “Fuck nature,” and the thought of hunting down an endangered species and ripping out it’s still beating heart appeals to the primal American soul inside of us, we can at least try to view things from, ugh, the other side.  But, to everyone worried about “animal extinction,” Lions are threatened, not endangered.  We think there’s a difference, but we’re not the authorities to trust on this manner, since every time we hear about a new animal extinction we pop open a bottle of Champagne like we’re the goddamn 1972 Miami Dolphins.  But that’s not even an issue with the lion meat in these two stories.  This is American Lion meat, farmed Lions bred for consumption at a farm in Illinois.  So it’s not stalking an endangered creature, it’s raising an animal for the purpose of eating its delicious gamey meat.  Though one has to wonder how many “Nights of Cow Tipping gone horribly horribly wrong” have occurred when drunk Illinois farm boys stumble into a farm and see a pack of goddamned lions.

Hell, the lions have more spacious living conditions than most other animals we eat.  So, why the outrage?

First, let’s take a look at what teh internetz has to say about Americans giving a big old middle finger to the food chain and eating a goddamn predator.

–          Some dude named Jason Carver was quoted via facebook on Fox40 as saying, “So.. paying for lions meat means its[sic] okay to kill innocent animals for our dinner? Buying lions meat is like saying its[sic] okay to hurt our wildlife.” Really, Jason?  We at AFFotD are not known for wantonly insulting strangers through the safety of the anonymity of the internet (ha, who are we kidding) but you can’t be serious.  We’d sooner get your advice for where to get the highest quality back alley colonoscopy than listen to food suggestions from you.  You posting shit like that on facebook leads us to believe that most of your friends are the profiles you made for each doll in your Cabbage Patch collection.  Did “Cabbage Jack” respond to your post by going, “Yeah!  Lions are people too!”?   What the hell do you mean with, “paying for lions meat means it’s okay to kill innocent animals for our dinner”?  How innocent are lions?  If you think Lions are so innocent, why don’t you cover yourself in cow meat and stand in a cow pen, and then compare that to what happens in a lion’s cage.  The cow will look at you and go, “oh…that’s my brother.  Oh!  Grass is tasty!”  I won’t tell you what the lion will say because I want you to just test this out yourself.  Jesus Christ Jason, you’re embarrassing yourself.

–          An anonymous comment on a blog pointing out, “uh, guys, not a big deal if you eat farmed lion meat” informs us that, “Lion meat, much like the meat of cats and most predators, tastes horrible.  What’s the purpose of killing and butchering and animal…[that] isn’t edible to the degree that anyone sane would purchase it twice?” This person is anonymous, so we’ll just say their name is “Dumbass.”  Listen, Dumbass, how do you know what cats taste like?  You can’t just casually mention how bad cats taste without addressing how that means you’ve eaten cats.  And you say it like it’s common knowledge. “Listen, everyone knows that cats taste terrible,” is the kind of thing a serial killer would casually say at a cocktail party.  That’s like saying, “Putting activated charcoal in your mouth, much like chewing gum, will not fool a breathalyzer.  Why put that foul tasting charcoal in your mouth when you can just bludgeon the cop to death and set his squad car on fire?”  Guess what, just by casually pointing something fucking weird out like everyone knows what you’re talking, you just told us far more about yourself than we wanted to know, Dumbass.

–          Cleverly named “Guy” from Tampa posits, “I don’t think there is any reason for us to go out of that spectrum and start eating other animals just because we can.  Human’s[sic] tend to act like a virus on this planet.  Consuming all resources mostly because we can.” First of all, this is America, our favorite foods could kill us in hand to hand combat, and the only reason we eat fish and chicken is that they’re so delicious we can forgive them for the fact that they don’t put up a fight.  And secondly, do you realize you basically word-for-word quoted that speech from Agent smith in the fucking Matrix?  Do you happen to live out in a shack in the woods subsiding on tree moss and sending packages with suspicious wires sticking out to various corporations?  Oh wait, “Guy,” we think we remember seeing you in the news…

–          In a Philadelphia Weekly article about a crazy women’s attempt to stop lion from being served at a restaurant, we had two back to back comments from people who don’t understand how eating works.

o   Deena decries, “Ae[sic] you F….g[sic, come the fuck on, you just bleeped out enough letters to spell “fuckig”] kidding me …Lions Lions to eat …people wake up!! what’s next our cats & dogs…it’s the same to me, please lets[sic] all do someting[sic] about this.” Apart from sounding like the lyrics to a really shitty acoustic guitar jam in a Co-Op, really?  Lions are the same as cats and dogs to you?  How the hell do you get to that conclusion?  Because you have so many friends with pet lions out there?  Guess what, potbellied pigs are actually fairly common pets, but we still eat the shit out of ham, bacon, and pork because it’s ham, bacon, and pork!  It’s delicious!  Deena has such a small grasp on how animals works that she names every insect she sees in her apartment.

o   Meanwhile, an equally idiotic commenter named “redheadedstepchild” informs us helpfully that, “Carnivores eating other Carnivores are cannibals.” Really?  Is that how it works?  We thought that humans eating other humans are cannibals.  You know, like the origin of the fucking word?  Goddamn it, get your head out of your ass.

So there’s a lot of vitriol regarding the totally awesome practice of eating (legal, non-endangered) Lion meat.  But you know what, internet masses?  Eating lions is American.  Using the Kirby method of consumption, whenever you eat something that has powers you do not possess, you get those powers. It’s from Nintendo, so it has to be true.  Lions would kill you in roughly eight seconds if you had the chance, and 42  midgets would lose to one in a fight.  So why not take what’s ours?  Being American is about taking something that can destroy you, and putting it in your goddamn belly.

Don’t believe us?  Well here’s what Ernest Hemingway wrote in a letter while in Africa.  (Seriously)

I am sorry you and Mary had words on the edibility of lion.
For your information, the tenderloin is very good eating. The meat is rather the texture of veal and I wish we were going to have it for lunch.
Everyone who tried it enjoyed it. The first time we ate lion several people were reluctant to try. But when they smelled how appetizing it was and tried the clean, white fine textured meat breaded and browned, it was as popular as any meat.

That’s right.  Ernest fucking Hemingway was American enough to eat Lion.  And while most of these lion dishes that are causing scandal tend to be mixed burgers- in some cases, beef mixed with small amounts of lion, in others, antelope mixed with lion, the meat sounds actually fucking delicious.  Like the Philadelphia restaurant that served it, where the chef, “Spices ground lion meat with cumin and scallion before sautéing the mixture in duck fat.  The dark scraps of meat tangle atop a golden pastry raft filled with coconut rice.  Some bites are tough and leathery.  Others are buttery and tender.”

…oh sweet Jesus, Simba looks DELICIOUS

So take what’s yours America.  While not all of us have the American awesomeness needed to wrestle and kill a Lion with our own goddamn hands, at the very least we can eat its meat.  Even if it doesn’t taste particularly great, it would still taste…of America.