“Come on, you know no one gives a crap about what happened on any day in December other than Christmas.”
~You, the reader
Can you feel that in the air? That soft cold embrace from winter? “No, I actually live in the southern half of the United States, it’s still quite warm” okay well fuck you, you’re clearly not the target demographic for that sentence. “Yeah but I’m still like half of the nation’s population” just, okay? Okay? We were trying to be poetic and you ruined it, you suck.
Today’s Date in American History
1777- America celebrates its first Thanksgiving, celebrating victory in the Battle of Saratoga, and making it a real bitch for everyone else to get their Christmas shopping done in time.
1787- New Jersey becomes the third state to ratify the US Constitution. And we know what you’re thinking, but no. We’re not gonna make that joke. It’s too cheap. Bruce Springsteen Jokes are so overplayed.
1915- Woodrow Wilson marries Edith Bolling Galt Wilson while he was president of the United States. Edith Wilson, by the way? Uh, eh.
1971- Capital Reef National Park is founded in Utah, which sounds disgusting. Nature. Ew.
2011- Is it Christmas yet?