Tag Archives: Fast Food

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

“I’m not mad about this assignment.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic
burger

Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out. Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.

Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.

Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily. But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.

A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list. So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.

Anyway, to the list!

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

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The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

♫Ba da ba da daaa, send it to hell♫”

~Rejected Mcdonald’s Slogan

mcdonalds

It’s easy to make fun of McDonald’s, and in fact many most people who get mad when we make fun of their country (so pretty much every non-American) points out McDonald’s and its fast food brethren as some sort of dark stain on our American legacy.  “Don’t tell us our terrifying eel pies are gross when you all get fat on your Big Macs,” angry British people say because they lack the proper brain function to realize that the British dish in question is what a fucking nightmare looks like.  And sure, McDonald’s is not exactly “healthy” or “something you want to eat every day if you want to live very long,” but it also just hits the fucking spot sometimes, and there’s a reason why McDonald’s is popular enough to thrive in over 100 countries.

So yes, McDonald’s is good, don’t @ us.  But McDonald’s also is constantly changing its menu, and change is not always good.  So instead of writing an article about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, which would mostly be our editor-in-chief trying to defend his Actually Bad belief that the Filet-o-Fish is their best sandwich, we’re going to talk about the times where McDonald’s really fucked up.  Because we find those funny, and also because thank God we don’t have to eat them.  So here’s a list of food items that would totally justify every angry Latvian’s criticism of our culture.

The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

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The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

black burgers oh no

Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger.  This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger.  Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”

What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence.  When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore.  No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity.  So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

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The State of Our Union: KFC

“Listen, KFC, we need to talk.  You guys might need to…start cooling your shit.”

~Concerned Americans

kfc

We as a society have an incredibly short memory when it comes to change.  We freak the fuck out whenever Facebook alters it’s news feed only to completely forget about our reaction the next time they change the layout and we again, collectively, lose our shit.  That ability to accept the occasional big change while glossing over the small ones is completely natural, but it does mean that every so often we need to take a step back and look to see if we’ve gone too far.  Similarly to how you can watch eight seasons of a TV show and not realize how much the actors have aged until you revisit the first episode, we might not realize how far off the rails some of our favorite American establishments have gone until we take a step back and compare it to Japan.

Which brings us to our inaugural edition of our latest running article—The State of Our Union.  We will take an iconic American establishment and look at it with fresh, new eyes, to put in perspective if it truly is American, or if we’ve created a monster.  First up, we have a beloved institution that has been in existence since 1930—KFC, the artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The State of Our Union:  KFC

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MIND

“What in the living hell?  What is going ON here?  This is terrifying.  I want it all.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

jack in the box

The American fast food industry has a rich history of creating unhealthy Frankenstein meals, possibly as part of a sadistic plan to fatten up the populace enough that Soylent Green becomes a financially viable food product.  Ever since Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” and White Castle whipped out their “What you Crave” slogan as a not-so-subtle way of telling you “these sliders taste like sex when you’re drunk or high,” fast food chains have gone in two directions with their meals.  They either cater their menu to daytime customers, the kinds of people who might want to nibble on a nice Egg White McMuffin on the way to work, or just have a Whopper with fries for lunch, or they realize, “huh, for some reason our locations around colleges are empty during the day, and then have lines out the door at three in the morning” and start offering food that sounds like it would be fucking delicious when you’re hammered.

Here’s a quick sobriety test for you.  Did you know that Burger King sells tacos?  If you said, “Oh God, that sounds disgusting” you’re probably only a few beers into your day.  If you read that and thought, “Man, I would love to try that right now” you must be pretty hammered.

Apparently Jack in the Box has decided to fully embrace this concept in a way that borders on insanity, which is why our nation is about to be presented with the Jack’s Munchie Meal.  And because it will take about six shots of whiskey and a familial history of mental illness to truly demonstrate everything going on with these $6 “man how drunk was I last night?” meals, we’re bringing back our News Item of the Month feature to really delve into the true eyes of corporate fast food madness.

Behold.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MINDS

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Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested

“This is unholy.  This is an abomination.  I want ten of them right now.”

~You, with most of these menu items

fast food

Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans.  No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to stroke strike.  Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you.  Yes you want fries with that.

But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.”  And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo.  They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper.  I think we’ve found our cause of death.”

Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious).  Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened?  Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first.  So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in.  Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.

Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested

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