“♫Ba da ba da daaa, send it to hell♫”
~Rejected Mcdonald’s Slogan
It’s easy to make fun of McDonald’s, and in fact many most people who get mad when we make fun of their country (so pretty much every non-American) points out McDonald’s and its fast food brethren as some sort of dark stain on our American legacy.
“Don’t tell us our terrifying eel pies are gross when you all get fat on your Big Macs,” angry British people say because they lack the proper brain function to realize that the British dish in question is what a fucking nightmare looks like.
And sure, McDonald’s is not exactly “healthy” or “something you want to eat every day if you want to live very long,” but it also just hits the fucking spot sometimes, and there’s a reason why McDonald’s is popular enough to thrive in over 100 countries.
So yes, McDonald’s is good, don’t @ us. But McDonald’s also is constantly changing its menu, and change is not always good. So instead of writing an article about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, which would mostly be our editor-in-chief trying to defend his Actually Bad belief that the Filet-o-Fish is their best sandwich, we’re going to talk about the times where McDonald’s really fucked up.
Because we find those funny, and also because thank God we don’t have to eat them. So here’s a list of food items that would totally justify every angry Latvian’s criticism of our culture.
The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Fast Food, Filet-o-fish, Food, Hulaburger, McCrab, McDonalds, McLobsterFish McBites, McSpaghetti, Onion Nuggets, Worst Food Ideas
“Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger. This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger. Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”
What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence. When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore. No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity. So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…
The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World
Posted in China, Japan, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, black and white, black bun, black buns, Burger, Burger King, burgers, dark vador burger, Fast Food, frog burger, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, hakooka burger, Hamburger, humbah, Ikasumi Burger, Japan, Kuro Burger, Kuro Ninja Burger, Kuro Premium Burger, kuwait, McDonalds, orbi yokohama, quick, The Dark Knight
“What in the living hell? What is going ON here? This is terrifying. I want it all.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
The American fast food industry has a rich history of creating unhealthy Frankenstein meals, possibly as part of a sadistic plan to fatten up the populace enough that Soylent Green becomes a financially viable food product. Ever since Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” and White Castle whipped out their “What you Crave” slogan as a not-so-subtle way of telling you “these sliders taste like sex when you’re drunk or high,” fast food chains have gone in two directions with their meals. They either cater their menu to daytime customers, the kinds of people who might want to nibble on a nice Egg White McMuffin on the way to work, or just have a Whopper with fries for lunch, or they realize, “huh, for some reason our locations around colleges are empty during the day, and then have lines out the door at three in the morning” and start offering food that sounds like it would be fucking delicious when you’re hammered.
Here’s a quick sobriety test for you. Did you know that Burger King sells tacos? If you said, “Oh God, that sounds disgusting” you’re probably only a few beers into your day. If you read that and thought, “Man, I would love to try that right now” you must be pretty hammered.
Apparently Jack in the Box has decided to fully embrace this concept in a way that borders on insanity, which is why our nation is about to be presented with the Jack’s Munchie Meal. And because it will take about six shots of whiskey and a familial history of mental illness to truly demonstrate everything going on with these $6 “man how drunk was I last night?” meals, we’re bringing back our News Item of the Month feature to really delve into the true eyes of corporate fast food madness.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MINDS
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, brunch burger, Chicken Nuggets, Chicken Sandwich, Fast Food, Grilled Cheese, Hamburgers, Jack in the Box, Mozzarella sticks, Taco Bell, tacos, White Castle
“This is unholy. This is an abomination. I want ten of them right now.”
~You, with most of these menu items
Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans. No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to
stroke strike. Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you. Yes you want fries with that.
But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.” And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo. They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper. I think we’ve found our cause of death.”
Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious). Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened? Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first. So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in. Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.
Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Carl's Jr., Doritos, Doritos Locos, Fast Food, Fritos, Hardee's, Ice Cream Sandwich, In-N-Out, McDonalds, Pepsi, Subway, Taco Bell, Wendy's