“This is unholy. This is an abomination. I want ten of them right now.”
~You, with most of these menu items
Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans. No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to
stroke strike. Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you. Yes you want fries with that.
But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.” And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo. They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper. I think we’ve found our cause of death.”
Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious). Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened? Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first. So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in. Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.
Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested
Oh we’re so sorry to start this article with a tease like the above picture. Wendy’s never actually tested a 3,000 calorie, 9-patty burger and called it the “T-Rex” burger. No, one Wendy’s owner in Brandon, Canada decided, “Fuck it, give the people what they want” and put this on the menu. When it became big news (because of course it would, it’s a 9-patty burger, we’ve had dreams where we only stopped at 7-patties) the upper management of Wendy’s decided (incorrectly) that it probably wasn’t the best for their image to be known as “the company that puts half of a cow on a single burger.” But fear not, loyal readers! There are plenty of other unhealthy, borderline terrifying foods that are being sold at this very moment, just waiting for their chance to be on the menu of that fast food restaurant you always end up going to when you’re drunk. You know, all of them? So keep dreaming, you glorious fireflies, because someday you might get to eat…
The Taco Bell Waffle Taco
You don’t know how to feel about this, and that’s okay. We’ll get through this together. In May of 2013, Taco Bell rolled out an 89-cent breakfast taco in three of its Southern California locations, because if there’s one place to market an unhealthy, cheap, kind of gross looking taco product, it’s in a health-obsessed part of the country that pretty much devotes 95% of their fast food related calories to Del Taco and In-N-Out. But yeah, good idea, Taco Bell, it’s not like you’d find any half-drunk-half-hungover Notre Dame students in South Bend who’d be interested in having a meat, egg, and folded waffle combo that’s sold with what’s basically a Screwdriver if you replace the vodka with Mountain Dew. Nor would those same students very probably end up buying that drink in bulk so they can add vodka and discretely get drunk while tailgating. Yeah, good call selling that concept to a part of the country where you have to stay sober enough to drive places.
So, we have the Taco Bell Waffle Taco. Which pretty much adheres to the Taco Bell rule of “woah woah, who told you that it’s possible to put four different ingredients together? They are lying, sir. All you need is three.” Instead of their hot sauce packets, because God could you imagine, this comes with a syrup packet, which probably isn’t made out of horse meat. Actually, the meat itself probably isn’t horse meat either, because in America our fast food doesn’t come with horses, it comes with so much filler you’re only getting 35% meat. The biggest surprise? The eggs in the center. Yup, those are from horses. They are totally horse eggs. Eh, we’d still eat it.
The Taco Bell Fiery Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos
It seems Taco Bell has decided that the more names you give something, the more likeable it is, a lesson they no doubt picked up from watching a film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. We were honestly hesitant to put this on our list at first. “Come on, we’ve already got Doritos Locos Tacos. Hell, we already have Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos.” And then we had to take a step back and say, how jaded have we become? Yes, once the Doritos Locos Tacos came out, and America bought 500 million of them, it became pretty hard to be surprised by anything else they’d make. But that’s not the right way to think about it. That’s like if someone told you “Aaron Hernandez apparently shot three more people outside of a club last year” and your response was, “Well…duh.” Just because someone has done one terrible thing doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be surprised when more surfaces.
And with that in mind, just think about this taco, which again is only being tested at select locations in Southern California, without previous prejudice. Do you really want to be the type of person who would say, “Oh, what’s that? Someone is turning a Cool Ranch Dorito chip into a taco shell, and filling it with chipotle doused shredded chicken that’s got to be at least 35% toes? Pshh, that’s old hat.” No. You want to embrace this because we live in a world where it’s only a matter of time before scientists find a way to reverse-engineer a Dorito and turn it into a cheesy tortilla that can be used to make burritos, and then Taco Bell will change its name to Doritos Taco Bell and you’ll be so happy it happened. Who wouldn’t want a cheesy Doritos Loco Burrito right now? Exactly.
McDonald’s Southwest Burger
What does one do when creativity wanes? When you think, “I have the canvas, but yet, it remains sadly blank, and inspiration has left me, seemingly for good”? What do you do when faced with such an overwhelming existential crisis of imagination? Well, if you’re McDonald’s, you throw some fucking Fritos on it and see what sticks. Now, we can’t all be heavy hitters like Taco Bell and afford a lucrative partnership with a chip company and…oh, okay, Doritos and Taco Bell are all owned by Pepsi. Right. That’ll explain why these “clearly Fritos” go by the generic ingredient name of “tortilla chips.” But yes, they basically took the McDonald’s hamburger patty, tossed some Fritos on it, added white cheddar and barbeque sauce, and then probably did some outdated southwestern stereotype action like firing some fake guns above their heads while going “Yeee-hawwww.”
This is one of multiple burgers being tested for their “Dollar Menu & More” testing in about ten markets. Ignoring the fact that everything on their menu that costs more than a dollar (so, everything) technically would belong on the “Dollar Menu & More” the sandwiches being tested out include a Bacon McDouble, McChicken Delux, Dijon Swiss Burger, Buffalo Ranch McChicken, and Bacon Hot ‘N Spicy McChicken, but of these burgers, most seem to be just basic alterations of previously existing McDoubles and McChickens. Except of course for this Frito-laden son of a bitch right here. Yee-haw indeed, McDonald’s. Congrats, you’re the only fast food company to admit that, when you run of ideas, just turn to Fritos.
The Subway Crunchy Chicken Enchilada Melt
Oh what was that we just said? We take it back. Step aside, McDonald’s, time to let a company that’s actually owned by PepsiCo to take things from here. None of that bullshit “tortilla chips” malarkey, this incredibly unhealthy looking sandwich from a company that purports to be healthy is blowing McDonald’s out of the water. Using shredded chicken in enchilada sauce, melted Monterey Cheddar, Fritos chips, and a handful of you saying “Well duh, we can read the fucking picture you posted,” this Subway flatbread sandwich has mainly been spotted in Central Florida and Seattle, probably because if they released it to one of the fatter states to start things off we’d probably have a lot of coronaries on our hands to deal with.
The only thing that tapers our excitement about getting this sandwich (DUDE! FRITOS!) is that it’s Subway, which basically means it’ll be fine. It won’t be bad. It won’t be amazing. It’s…you know, it’s Subway.
Carl’s Jr. Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich
After such a hearty meal, you have to save room for dessert, and the Newport Beach Carl’s Jr. has just the thing for you. A hand-scooped (whatever that means) Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich. This is far more interesting than making their burgers cost six bucks by adding fresh baked buns to them. No, this is a test product that we can fully support, because though we not be doctors, we’re pretty sure the medical cure for blocked arteries is diabetes. This first appeared on 4/20 because of course it did. There’s nothing particularly novel here, it’s the combination of two ingredients that, if you’ve not tried to make it at home before, you absolutely are going to now that you know it’s possible.
It’s a satisfying way to finish a satisfying meal…that you can’t get anywhere. Except for Southern California, though, which apparently gets to test four of these because apparently California doesn’t like to share. Dicks.