Tag Archives: Doritos

The Worst Mountain Dew Flavors of All Time

“I am AMPED I am AMPED woah what if they made an energy called AMP and…wait I think my heart stopped, or…MOUNTAIN DEW WOO!”

~Mountain Dew Drinker (aged 12)

 mountain dew

Mountain Dew has one of the more unique rises to popularity of any beverage that can be poured out of a tap without someone checking your ID first.  Originally invented in 1940 in Tennessee with the we’re-honestly-not-kidding-here’s-a-commercial-for-it slogan of “Ya-Hoo!  Mountain Dew.  It’ll tickle yore innards” and advertising itself to Hillbillies, it’s since gone on to be extremely popular among gamers, extreme sports fanatics, and sixth grade kids who view it as a caffeine-rich forbidden fruit, like speed that you can buy at the gas station on the way to tweeking out throughout your school day.

Mountain Dew was first developed by Barney and Ally Hartman, who made it as a mixer and named it after a Scottish and Irish slang for “moonshine.”  It was eventually bought out by PepsiCo in 1964, and the “hillbilly angle” was removed not too long after.  While you know it as a “citrus” flavored soft drink, and it lists concentrated orange juice as one of its flavors, it’s basically just sugar and caffeine with a hint of “dorm cafeteria OJ” flavor to it.

And while “the potent combination of a sugar high with a caffeine buzz” is a good enough combination to help Mountain Dew corner 80% of the citrus-flavored pop market, in our age of American ingenuity and overzealous marketing, a company can only rest comfortably on your laurels for so long selling just one kind of middle-school wake up juice, and ever since the 1980s Mountain Dew has been experimenting with a variety of flavors.  Some of them are good (looking at you, Code Red).  Some of them…well, not so much.

The Worst Mountain Dew Flavors of All Time

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Discontinued Doritos Flavors Too Beautiful For This World

“Why can’t I have you?  But I need you so.”

~American Taste Buds

doritos blazin jalapeno

Doritos are one of the better snack gifts we’ve given to the world.  Since 1964, when we first decided that we could probably get rid of our leftover tortillas by cutting them into triangles, frying them, and smothering them with fake cheese, Doritos has been there for every Super Bowl party and for every 2:30 AM stoned 7-Eleven run.  Even when Japan tried ruining Doritos, which came as a surprise to no one, they forever stood out as delicious, cheesy (or cool-ranchy) ways to get saturated fats into our bodies and flavor powder permanently tattooed onto our fingertips.

Japanese meddling notwithstanding, Doritos has never been content to stand by with just a handful of flavors.  In fact, they’ve released nearly a hundred different flavors throughout the years.  And despite the existence of “ketchup” or “sonic sour cream” flavors on that lengthy list of Doritos flavors that have been released and then rightfully vanquished to that warehouse where they put the Ark of the Covenant, some of these flavors actually sound delicious.  But they’re gone.  No matter how much we want to try them, we never can.

Here are some delicious Doritos flavors that the Frito-Lay company foolishly decided were mistakes.

Discontinued Doritos Flavors Too Beautiful For This World

 locos on doritos on locos

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Cheetos

“No…no….NOOOO!!!!”

~AFFotD Food Critic John Goodman

hot sauce cheetos

As we’ve established on numerous occasions, Japan approaches American-based junk food and beverages the same way Lennie approaches puppies in Of Mice and Men.  We’ve even let you know about the terrible, unspeakable things that Japan likes to do to our potato chips.  Of course, that’s just the beginning.  Japanese food sort of adheres to a subset of Rule 34.  By that we mean to say, we could type some random combination of disgusting words and it’ll exist in Japan, and be terrifying.  Don’t believe us?  Let’s see…uh, octopus soda.

…Oh dear God, what have we done?

So with that in mind, it’s time for us to take our periscope of terrifying food abominations towards Japan’s interpretation of the delicious Takis rival, Cheetos.  Which, as always, leads us to exclaim…

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Cheetos

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America’s Craziest Fried Foods: 2013 Edition

“It’s been so long since we’ve talked about fried foods, my Cholesterol  levels have almost gone done to healthy levels.  Almost.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

fried dollar

Fried food.  Crunchy goodness.  Grease’s children.  The culinary manifestation of a fat man punching himself in the heart.  Whatever you call it, battering food and dipping it in boiling oil is as American as apple pie, assuming that you battered the apple pie and immersed it in boiling oil beforehand.  We’ve documented the cutting edge of American fried foods six times before, but it’s been about a year since we’ve sat down and scoured the dumpsters of our nation’s state fairs to find the latest in delicious food that technically can be considered a murder weapon in several of our more obese states.   And that is far too long to go without terrifyingly complex fried foods.

So grab onto your nutritionist’s desperate letters urging you to, “Stop, for the love of God, do you have a death wish?” because things are about to get a little unhealthy.

America’s Craziest Fried Foods:  2013 Edition

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Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested

“This is unholy.  This is an abomination.  I want ten of them right now.”

~You, with most of these menu items

fast food

Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans.  No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to stroke strike.  Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you.  Yes you want fries with that.

But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.”  And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo.  They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper.  I think we’ve found our cause of death.”

Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious).  Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened?  Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first.  So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in.  Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.

Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious

“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”

~Cheese-ception

 doritos locos tacos

It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you.  Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.

That’s not always been the case.  We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).

While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront.  As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon.  We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.

That’s right.  Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito.  Yes.  Inception finally has an official junk food snack.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious

doritos

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Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos

“What…what is…happening?”

~An American Stoner in Japan

Japan is terrifying.  We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying.  Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop.  We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.

AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Doritos

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