AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”

~Jeff Winger

“Eat your vegetables.”  As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone.  If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself.  The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.

Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables.  And why should we be?  If you think about  it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting.  Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt.  That’s gross.  Dirt is where worms fuck.  Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing?  We didn’t think so.

Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted.  We’d also like to think it’s deeply American.  And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front.  Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?

…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry.  We’re just so happy.  So proud.  Here’s your fun fact.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!


Listen, we don’t mean to harp on this issue, but vegetables suck.  As a general rule, if you have to toss animal shit on top of something to make it grow faster, that shouldn’t be something you want to eat.  Do we even have to tell you that?  If you said “It just sits there and gets bigger when you put shit on it” to an Evangelical bigot they’d assume you’re describing Japanese pornography to them.

Which is why the recent proposal to call pizza a vegetable makes so much sense.  Apparently you’re “supposed to” eat vegetables, but what about those of us who have gone this long without watching 2 Girls 1 Cup?  Those of us with an aversion to putting feces in our mouth holes?  That’s why the government stepped in while dealing with children’s lunches available for schools.  “Hold up,” these brave Americans said.  “Why are we punishing our kids by making them eat vegetables.  Fuck that, then we’ll say the tomato paste they put on pizza is a vegetable.  Problem solved.”

“But, wait a minute,” the terribly un-American opponents to freedom said.  “That…doesn’t even make sense.  Isn’t tomato technically a fruit, not a vege…”

“PIZZA IS A GODDAMN VEGETABLE!” the pro-pizza lobby replied while punching that smartass right in the jaw. “FUCKING PIZZA!”

Delicious, delicious vegetables.

As expected, terribly lame people seem to have a problem with this.  A brief perusal of the 200 comments in one story about this development are overwhelmingly negative.  Which is why we’re here to tell those naysayers why they’re wrong, stupid, and smell bad.  Because we run a classy enterprise here.

Pictured above: Class

  • Tyler Austin, Laurentian University said (hi Tyler Austin, you’re reading this because you just googled yourself!  That’s sort of sad!) “Some conservatives in Congress have called the push for healthier foods an overreach, saying the government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.  ****** Ya, McCorperate […sic?  We guess?] donar [sic?] should be doing that- I mean, it’s not like America has an obesity crisis or anything.”

Okay, a couple of points.  First of all, we’re not cool with the fact that the “pizza is a vegetable” campaign is being viewed as a Conservative tactic.  Liberals, we’ll let you get aboard on the ground floor, and if you go “but, uh, obesity” we’ll say “fuck you, pizza is delicious.”  So let’s get that out of the way.  Now, the “Ya, McCoperate donar” way to start…like, we were confused why Tyler here sounded like Francis McDormand protesting in Occupy Fargo, but then we looked into what Laurentian University was.  And guess where it’s located?

Here’s a hint, it explains why this person would not like pizza being classified as a vegetable.

Northern Ontario!  Pretty sneaky, Tyler, but you should know that no Canadian that lives north of Toronto is allowed to use the Internet.  And this is the reason.  Oh, and by the way, Tyler Austin of Laurentian University- it’s not an “obesity crisis” it’s a “more to love boom.”  Dumbass.

Greg Chapman, Vancouver, British Columbia said, “…but tomato is a fruit.”

You shut the fuck up, Greg, if we wanted to have a science class we’d go to Canada people only start their sentences with “ya” or elipses.

  • Chic Stout said, “RANCE(Pau, France)[sic] Typical French School Lun…

No, we’re not even going to finish that.  No.  He goes on for a while.  He lists a whole French school menu and then…well we stopped reading because of the vomiting.  Whenever you respond to a point by going, “Look at how FRANCE does it” you automatically lose your argument.  Even if you’re taking the right side on something, your opinion automatically becomes wrong when you refer the French.  It’s true.  For example, “Children should play sports” is actually good advice (hey, even fat kids can be good at football).  But if you say, “Children should play sports, because they do that in France” the government actually will enact a law saying that children are required to watch 10 hours of TV a day.  No, your point is automatically stupid Chic Stout.  Good day.  WE SAID GOOD DAY!

  • Ed Pettit, debt collector at Cash America said, “For once Republicans might be OK!  With this change I wonder how many helpings of pizza I can have daily?  BTW, Republicans, beer is made with barley and hops so it must be a grain?  How soon can you change that?”

YES!  Thank you Ed.  Your job title might imply that you are a soulless monster, but at least we can count on your support with this whole pizza thing.  We’re sending you a special treat, courtesy of AFFotD!  Unless you were being sarcastic, in which case, fuck you, you have to pay for the escort.

  • Kevin Ehsani, Founder and Publisher at Liberty in Progress said, “If it were up to Republicans, they would give Steak and fries to eat for lunch at school everyday.  What a bunch of lazy slobs.”

…Wait, we’re failing to grasp the part where that sounds amazing.  How spoiled were you as a kid where eating steak and fries every day sounds like a bad idea?  This is proof more than anything else that people who oppose this pizza/vegetable issue don’t understand greatness, and that they don’t understand America.  That’s right Kevin Ehsani, we’re calling you out, you anti-pizza, anti-steak, anti-beer (we’re just speculating) French secret agent bastard.  J’Accuse!  We don’t know what that means, but you probably do you French bastard.

So the line has been drawn, people.  Americans want pizza as a vegetable, while the French and Canadians feel that’s ridiculous.  You have to decide, which side will you choose.

That’s what we thought.  Look at that tasty veggie.

One response to “AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

  1. Pingback: AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious | affotd

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