“Wow…we kinda called it we guess?”
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of news, commentary, and discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. After nearly ten years of being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama was tried for charges of being Osama Bin Laden, where he was found guilty. It was a pretty short trial. No doubt, literally dozens of Americans turned to AFFotD yesterday expecting a hard hitting take on the death of the world’s largest Dickweed. Instead, you were treated to a discussion of Andrew Johnson being sworn in as Vice-President while stinking drunk.
“That’s all well and good,” you all thought. “But dammit, where is my Osama Bin Laden coverage!?” Well, we can understand your confusion, but we figured it was best to wait a day before doing a fun fact on the death of a man who is such an asshole that proctologists use a scale model of his face to learn how to check for Hernias. So, we chose to wait a day, spending our time reflecting on the moral ambiguity of celebrating the death of an individual doing a lot of celebration drinking.
As such a huge event in American history, it’s a lot to take in.
Our sentiment exactly, Mr. Hester.
But now, we are here to fight through the hangover, and give you all a thorough, in depth discussion of this momentous occasion, as we present…
AFFotD’s Look into the Death of Osama Bin Laden
When news of Osama Bin Laden’s death hit the internetz, there was a storm of “Hells yeah” and “…too soon?” jokes and comments, as well as a few unfortunate misspellings. Needless to say, it was a cathartic moment for many people, which has led to an interestingly even split between, “Woooo! Bin Laden’s Blow’d UP” and “That’s good for justice……..sort of uncomfortable to celebrate someone’s death” reactions. We’ll let you respond to this news however you like, just keep in mind that as we’re writing this, everyone in the office is firing shotguns into the ceiling and going, “Yeeee Hawwww!”
Besides, it’s scientifically proven that at least a tiny bit of every American cracks a bit of a grin seeing this image.
The news was such a long time coming that it had started to wander from the thoughts of some Americans, who were beginning to assume that Bin Laden may never be found. Until yesterday’s news that Osama had been caught in a firefight after special forces had found him living in a $1 million villa (so much for the whole “caves” thing) finding Osama and messing him up was pretty far from our minds. Of course, now that it’s happened, the internet is going nuts with the whole thing, and we fully support that.
As news of Osama getting shot in the face (in the face…IN THE FAAAAACE) leaked online, (fewer than the media made us out to think) Americans flooded the street in a mass celebration as if the Death Star had just been destroyed in Return of the Jedi.
We at AFFotD don’t have any measured response to the whole situation, other than to point out various observations from the whole thing. Because it’s not like we’re going to be able to add anything more to the debate than the tens of thousands of news pieces and blogs about the damn thing. But here is the official AFFotD view on the whole shebang.
- There’s going to be a pretty big “Super-Villain” void to fill. Kim Jong-Il is a solid choice to take on the mantle of “Most hated person in the world” but he’s probably close to dying of natural causes, or of hitting too many holes-in-one while playing golf or something. And this might just be the effect of pop culture eating away our brains, but we suddenly got the idea for a reality show called “America’s Next Top Villain” and holy shit that’s the best idea we’ve ever had.
- There are going to be so many conspiracy theory websites about this damn thing. Hell, they’re already sprouting up. No photo of Bin Laden’s dead body has been released, and the whole “we chucked him in the ocean” thing seems a little fishy (ha. Puns.) when it turns out that a sea burial isn’t particularly appreciated by most Muslim scholars. We’re not saying that the U.S. faked Bin Laden’s death, because clearly that didn’t happen, but the whole “We have his body, well, we had his body, then we fed him to some sharks” thing has us a little on edge. We’ve seen enough action films to know that, since we didn’t see Bin Laden die, there’s always a chance that we’ll see a shot of Bin Laden, underwater in the ocean, and as the camera closes in on his face, his eyes open and the credits start to roll. Call us jaded by one too many Halloween movies, but we’re not willing to discount that entirely yet.
See? We’re not the only ones who think this.
- The Michael Meyers thing gets a little more eerie when you consider that the day that Osama was killed was the first day of Zombie Awareness Month. It was also the anniversary of President Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” speech. Then again, it was also the anniversary of the attempted Times Square bombing, and the day the fucking Illuminati were founded. Which all can be taken with a grain of salt, because it is now known as the day when Osama Bin Laden got done did killed. Far important than anything else was that May 1st, 2011 helped the following image come into existence.
- This whole scenario is going to reap a lot of well earned benefits for those currently serving in the military. First, right off the bat, the Navy SEAL that scored the head shot on Bin Laden? Free drinks, for life. That man never has to pay for another drop of liquor, and will never have a night where a woman will not go home with him. That seems like a safe assumption, right? Like, he’ll stroll into a bar and go, “Hey everyone, Bin Laden’s killer coming through” and he’d basically get instantaneously hit with liquor from the male patrons and panties from the female patrons. His arms will get such a work out from the high fives he constantly has to receive that he’d be able to win a professional arm wrestling tournament. He’d have such luck with the ladies that his penis would have to create a facebook fan page, since regular profiles are limited to only 5,000 friends. And that’s ignoring the fact that literally any soldier walking into a bar with uniform will be able to get residually lucky because of the fact that a member of the United States Military took out the most hated man on the planet. Bin Laden’s death is going to be responsible for literally thousands of unplanned American births, which is so deliciously ironic we don’t even know what to do with ourselves. We’d say that lady troops are going to get lucky as well, but we’re pretty sure women walking into bars with military uniforms have never had too much of a hard finding men who are interested in them. Just call it a hunch.
Oh, and if you want to see an animated video made in Asia depicting what happened, here you go. You’re welcome.
No matter how you want to view this event, be it through celebration of somber reflection, just know that this has taught the world a lot about America. If you fuck with us, we will fuck you right back. We get the job done, even if it takes ten years. And we have no qualms posting jokes of questionable taste within hours of someone dying. And God Bless America for that.