“Honestly, I just kind of feel sorry for the models.”
We talked to you earlier this week about Halloween costumes for men that, essentially, are crimes against humanity. Now, it’s time for us to talk about the ladies, because AFFotD is a gender-equal institution, and also because all bad idea women’s Halloween costumes are, let’s say, revealing. Which, you know, gets page hits.
That said, while the men’s article required multiple categories, you don’t need such nuanced distinction with the Halloween costumes that, we guess, in theory, someone has bought. They have to have, right? Anyway, while horrible men’s costumes covered a moderate range of awful ideas, today’s article adheres to just one basic theme.
Sexy versions of blatantly unsexy things.
Let’s delve in.
Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)
Posted in America's Holidays, Strange America
Tagged America, Buzz Lightyear, Costume Innuendo, Costumes, Halloween, Halloween Costume, Halloween Costumes, Horrible Costumes, Jellyfish, Pho King Hot, racist costumes, sexy halloween costumes, Yoda
“Wait, let me guess—you dressed up as a giant douchebag.”
~All of us
Halloween is a wonderful time of the year. No, we’re not saying that sarcastically, Halloween is one of the better holidays out there—you’re not expected to do anything other than dress as something goofy, get drunk with your friends, and maybe steal some of the candy your kids got Trick-or-Treating when they’re not looking (they are guaranteed not to notice, unless you snag one of the full-sized snickers that your neighbors keep offering just to show up everyone else on the block, the bastards.)
We’ve, long ago, talked about how Halloween is the holiday that ages with you. That might sound like an indictment, but it’s quite the opposite—almost every other holiday is so inflexible, you’re inevitably bound to have periods of your life where you don’t find them as enjoyable as you once did. Not so with Halloween. When you’re a kid, and want candy, boom, you’ll get to fill your little chubby cheeks with enough sugar to force us to make some diabetes joke that leads to weirdly hostile diatribes being posted on our website. You’re in your 20’s or 30’s and would like an excuse to get smashed while dressed in 1990’s pop culture references? All yours buddy! Feeling like settling down, dressing up your baby as a pumpkin and having a shindig at your house? Halloween has you covered!
It’s a great holiday. We can’t stress that enough. It’s great. Great great great.
But people who buy and wear novelty costumes for it suck. Like these following costumes. Do not buy these costumes. Do not suck on Halloween.
Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)
Posted in America's Holidays, Strange America
Tagged America, Bigfoot, Costume Innuendo, Costumes, God's gift to women, Halloween, Halloween Costume, Halloween Costumes, Horrible Costumes, Johnny Depp, native americans, pimp, Plug and Socket, puns, racist costumes, Snake Charmer
“My only regret about The Nightmare Before Christmas is all the annoying Goth kids who took a shining to it.”
Ah, yes, Halloween creeps closer still, to the point that many of you are reading this in a spooky voice. Perhaps George Takei? You did not imagine George Takei as, indeed, the greatest choice to narrate a Halloween post until this very day. Which is why today’s post, about the history of Halloween, will be written entirely by Mr. Takei, renowned thespian and owner of the best voice possessed by any homosexual male.
So now, here is…
George Takei of AFFotD Discusses Halloween
“Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky and scary, boys becoming men, men becoming WOLVES.”
We’re just one day away from Halloween, which means that we’re recovering from the Friday/Saturday double team that is the weekend nearest to Halloween.
Which we guess we can use as our excuse to put less effort into our…
Today’s Date in American History (America Version)
“You’re either too old to be Trick-or-Treating, or too young to be dressed as Ashley Dupre.”
~I swear, kids are growing up so fast these days
Halloween is rapidly approaching, a time where women try to show off their figure before they stop going to the gym during the winter and men try to find costumes that are clever enough to allow them to have sex with those aforementioned women, all while children purposely suppress a lifetime of parental advice by going to dozens of stranger’s houses to ask for candy.
Yes, Halloween is a glorious occasion, especially for purveyors of alcohol, candy, and diabetes-related-limb-amputations. Wiccans used to like it until it “sold out” by getting so commercial, but no one really cares about them, they’re like the hipsters of Pagans. And while Halloween might be celebrated in other nations, it’s America that uses Halloween to its full potential. But Halloween is more than simply a pumpkin stabbing occasion to dress sitcom characters in humorous costumes, it serves as America’s rite of passage from childhood into adulthood.
Think about it- your approach to Halloween is greatly determined by your age. For some, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy. For others, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy (the italics means that you were supposed to read that second “candy” in like, a super sexy voice. Like “Imma get some caaaaandy.” Maybe with a hip thrust or something. Sexually). And since AFFotD knows more about living in America than James fucking Brown, we’re here to present you with…
AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes
“Wait, you stab it, gut it, and put fire inside it? Is this something kids do, or serial killers?”
~That’s a good point, actually
Halloween is just around the corner. Sure it’s still a few weeks away, but it’s gonna be here soon enough that many of you have already planned your costumes, and have a rough idea of where you will go to celebrate it. And a handful of you have stopped shaving so your facial hair can be used for your eventual costume. Two weeks of being unable to hit on people will be worth it when they see that pirate beard you’re rocking at the end of October. Well, it probably won’t, but this is a season where we aide delusions.
Needless to say, the Godless aspects of AFFotD loves the pagan-try of Halloween, so here is yet another AFFotD trying to make Halloween all about us.
With Jack-O’-Lanterns, motherfuckers!
“AGHHHHH! OH MY GOD WHY!? IT’S EATING ME!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
While Paganism is responsible for most ills in America (Hippies, The popularity of the Twilight films), it did bring us one great thing. Halloween. All’s Hallowed Eve. For 20-somethings, it’s the closest we can get to Caligula levels of debauchery without having to get a lethal weapons permit. As this glorious day filled with alcohol and costumes of questionable modesty approaches, we at AFFotD are here to celebrate this glorious day.
But even great things like Halloween can have a dark side. An awesome dark side.
We are of course talking about…ZOMBIES.
“Wow…we kinda called it we guess?”
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of news, commentary, and discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. After nearly ten years of being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama was tried for charges of being Osama Bin Laden, where he was found guilty. It was a pretty short trial. No doubt, literally dozens of Americans turned to AFFotD yesterday expecting a hard hitting take on the death of the world’s largest Dickweed. Instead, you were treated to a discussion of Andrew Johnson being sworn in as Vice-President while stinking drunk.
“That’s all well and good,” you all thought. “But dammit, where is my Osama Bin Laden coverage!?” Well, we can understand your confusion, but we figured it was best to wait a day before doing a fun fact on the death of a man who is such an asshole that proctologists use a scale model of his face to learn how to check for Hernias. So, we chose to wait a day, spending our time reflecting on the moral ambiguity of celebrating the death of an individual doing a lot of celebration drinking.
As such a huge event in American history, it’s a lot to take in.
Our sentiment exactly, Mr. Hester.
But now, we are here to fight through the hangover, and give you all a thorough, in depth discussion of this momentous occasion, as we present…
AFFotD’s Look into the Death of Osama Bin Laden
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Andrew Johnson, Bin Laden, Conspiracy Theories, Devin Hester, Halloween, Hide and Seek Champion, Illuminati, Kim Jon-Il, Matt Stone, Michael Meyers, Mission Accomplished, Osama Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden is Dead, Pakistan, President Bush, Return of the Jedi, South Park, Special Forces, Trey Parker, Zombie Awareness Month