“You’re either too old to be Trick-or-Treating, or too young to be dressed as Ashley Dupre.”
~I swear, kids are growing up so fast these days
Halloween is rapidly approaching, a time where women try to show off their figure before they stop going to the gym during the winter and men try to find costumes that are clever enough to allow them to have sex with those aforementioned women, all while children purposely suppress a lifetime of parental advice by going to dozens of stranger’s houses to ask for candy.
Yes, Halloween is a glorious occasion, especially for purveyors of alcohol, candy, and diabetes-related-limb-amputations. Wiccans used to like it until it “sold out” by getting so commercial, but no one really cares about them, they’re like the hipsters of Pagans. And while Halloween might be celebrated in other nations, it’s America that uses Halloween to its full potential. But Halloween is more than simply a pumpkin stabbing occasion to dress sitcom characters in humorous costumes, it serves as America’s rite of passage from childhood into adulthood.
Think about it- your approach to Halloween is greatly determined by your age. For some, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy. For others, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy (the italics means that you were supposed to read that second “candy” in like, a super sexy voice. Like “Imma get some caaaaandy.” Maybe with a hip thrust or something. Sexually). And since AFFotD knows more about living in America than James fucking Brown, we’re here to present you with…
AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes