“Honestly, I just kind of feel sorry for the models.”
We talked to you earlier this week about Halloween costumes for men that, essentially, are crimes against humanity. Now, it’s time for us to talk about the ladies, because AFFotD is a gender-equal institution, and also because all bad idea women’s Halloween costumes are, let’s say, revealing. Which, you know, gets page hits.
That said, while the men’s article required multiple categories, you don’t need such nuanced distinction with the Halloween costumes that, we guess, in theory, someone has bought. They have to have, right? Anyway, while horrible men’s costumes covered a moderate range of awful ideas, today’s article adheres to just one basic theme.
Sexy versions of blatantly unsexy things.
Let’s delve in.
Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)
Posted in America's Holidays, Strange America
Tagged America, Buzz Lightyear, Costume Innuendo, Costumes, Halloween, Halloween Costume, Halloween Costumes, Horrible Costumes, Jellyfish, Pho King Hot, racist costumes, sexy halloween costumes, Yoda
“Wait, let me guess—you dressed up as a giant douchebag.”
~All of us
Halloween is a wonderful time of the year. No, we’re not saying that sarcastically, Halloween is one of the better holidays out there—you’re not expected to do anything other than dress as something goofy, get drunk with your friends, and maybe steal some of the candy your kids got Trick-or-Treating when they’re not looking (they are guaranteed not to notice, unless you snag one of the full-sized snickers that your neighbors keep offering just to show up everyone else on the block, the bastards.)
We’ve, long ago, talked about how Halloween is the holiday that ages with you. That might sound like an indictment, but it’s quite the opposite—almost every other holiday is so inflexible, you’re inevitably bound to have periods of your life where you don’t find them as enjoyable as you once did. Not so with Halloween. When you’re a kid, and want candy, boom, you’ll get to fill your little chubby cheeks with enough sugar to force us to make some diabetes joke that leads to weirdly hostile diatribes being posted on our website. You’re in your 20’s or 30’s and would like an excuse to get smashed while dressed in 1990’s pop culture references? All yours buddy! Feeling like settling down, dressing up your baby as a pumpkin and having a shindig at your house? Halloween has you covered!
It’s a great holiday. We can’t stress that enough. It’s great. Great great great.
But people who buy and wear novelty costumes for it suck. Like these following costumes. Do not buy these costumes. Do not suck on Halloween.
Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)
Posted in America's Holidays, Strange America
Tagged America, Bigfoot, Costume Innuendo, Costumes, God's gift to women, Halloween, Halloween Costume, Halloween Costumes, Horrible Costumes, Johnny Depp, native americans, pimp, Plug and Socket, puns, racist costumes, Snake Charmer
“You’re either too old to be Trick-or-Treating, or too young to be dressed as Ashley Dupre.”
~I swear, kids are growing up so fast these days
Halloween is rapidly approaching, a time where women try to show off their figure before they stop going to the gym during the winter and men try to find costumes that are clever enough to allow them to have sex with those aforementioned women, all while children purposely suppress a lifetime of parental advice by going to dozens of stranger’s houses to ask for candy.
Yes, Halloween is a glorious occasion, especially for purveyors of alcohol, candy, and diabetes-related-limb-amputations. Wiccans used to like it until it “sold out” by getting so commercial, but no one really cares about them, they’re like the hipsters of Pagans. And while Halloween might be celebrated in other nations, it’s America that uses Halloween to its full potential. But Halloween is more than simply a pumpkin stabbing occasion to dress sitcom characters in humorous costumes, it serves as America’s rite of passage from childhood into adulthood.
Think about it- your approach to Halloween is greatly determined by your age. For some, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy. For others, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy (the italics means that you were supposed to read that second “candy” in like, a super sexy voice. Like “Imma get some caaaaandy.” Maybe with a hip thrust or something. Sexually). And since AFFotD knows more about living in America than James fucking Brown, we’re here to present you with…
AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes