Tag Archives: Johnny Depp

Halloween Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

“Wait, let me guess—you dressed up as a giant douchebag.”

~All of us

ice bucket

Halloween is a wonderful time of the year.  No, we’re not saying that sarcastically, Halloween is one of the better holidays out there—you’re not expected to do anything other than dress as something goofy, get drunk with your friends, and maybe steal some of the candy your kids got Trick-or-Treating when they’re not looking (they are guaranteed not to notice, unless you snag one of the full-sized snickers that your neighbors keep offering just to show up everyone else on the block, the bastards.)

We’ve, long ago, talked about how Halloween is the holiday that ages with you.  That might sound like an indictment, but it’s quite the opposite—almost every other holiday is so inflexible, you’re inevitably bound to have periods of your life where you don’t find them as enjoyable as you once did.  Not so with Halloween.  When you’re a kid, and want candy, boom, you’ll get to fill your little chubby cheeks with enough sugar to force us to make some diabetes joke that leads to weirdly hostile diatribes being posted on our website.  You’re in your 20’s or 30’s and would like an excuse to get smashed while dressed in 1990’s pop culture references?  All yours buddy!  Feeling like settling down, dressing up your baby as a pumpkin and having a shindig at your house?  Halloween has you covered!

It’s a great holiday.  We can’t stress that enough.  It’s great.  Great great great.

But people who buy and wear novelty costumes for it suck.  Like these following costumes.  Do not buy these costumes.  Do not suck on Halloween.

Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

 bed costume

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American Celebrities Broadcasting While Drunk

“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”

~James Brown

America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it.  But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well.  Bourbon and cars?  Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination.  Whiskey and airplanes?  Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.

Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem

But drunken broadcasting?  Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio?  That is goddamn American.  That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  “You got drunk and high on my television show.”  “You got your television show on my drunk and high.”  “Holy shit best idea ever.”

“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”

That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history.  But first, we need to line up some shots.

Or we can just chug some Everclear.

Ahhhhh yeah.  Yeah feel the burn.

Okay.  *cough*.  Okay.  Let’s…uh, let’s get started.

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America’s Greatest Prison Breaks (Part 1)

“Houdini!”

~Ricky Bobby

America has always had a fascination with escapes.  We make movies about escaping POW camps, our favorite game during Recess was Jail Break, and there was that one show on Fox that we only really watched for the first season, but apparently lasted for more seasons than Arrested Development.  There’s something American about sticking it to some sort of foreign land or domestic legal system(though we tend to have an easier time rooting for it when there’s a “Innocent person in jail” angle, but whatever).

Remember this?  No?  Nothing?

It is with the intrepid “this bird cannot be caged” American mindset, then, that we present you with…

AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes


…Though Prison isn’t ALL bad…

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