“Making fun of conspiracy theorists means you must be PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.”
We never would have expected that “obviously wrong conspiracy theories” would be a topic that gets people riled up, but it’s the 2010s and the Internet is still going strong so that’s probably just naivete on our part. For example, about four years ago we wrote an article about wacky conspiracy theories that exist out there, ranging from flat Earthers to a theory that Saddam Hussein had a fucking Stargate. We chuckled and moved on to more important topics (if memory serves, the article we wrote next was on the worst Mountain Dew flavors of all time) but a beacon was put up on the internet, and apparently conspiracy theorists do not take kindly to being called whacky. One crazy man in particular went on a rant that contained three comments, 500 words, Sandy Hook false flag and 9/11 inside job accusations, the insistence that our staff should “read you twisted sick fuck” along with an implication that we were on “the cabal’s” (?) payroll, and no fewer than 12 colorful references to sodomy. Not exactly what we expected when we wrote, “You at least gotta hand it to the conspiracy theorists. They’ve got a wonderfully healthy imagination.”
Looking back, maybe the issue was that we called the wacky people wacky. Who knows. But we’ve decided to accept blood money from the psychopathic satanic cabals desperate to hide THE TRUTH talk to you about some other out-there conspiracy theories we’ve discovered in our increasingly pointless quest to be Always Very Online. But maybe, just maybe, we can avoid pointing the Batshit Crazy signal into Arkham by rephrasing what we mean by “wacky.” What we’re really talking about are funny, and mostly harmless, conspiracy theories. There’s no way that could offend anyone, right?
(And suddenly, a sea of neckbeards screamed out in anger.)
(And we swear to God if you jump into our comments to talk about Jeffrey Epstein we will find where you live and send a fucking glitter bomb to your house.)
The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange America
Tagged America, Birds Aren't Real, Conspiracy Theories, Conspiracy Theory, Dear Dirty America, Finland, Finland Isn't Real, Hubert Humdinger, John John Macky Jr., NASA, Peter McIndoe, Queen Elizabeth II, secret sun, Stevie Wonder, Stevie Wonder Isn't Blind
“Oh my God, you’re crazy, and we love it.”
~AFFotD staff-writers to conspiracy theorists
So here’s a story. We wrote, a few years back, an article about the Kentucky Meat Shower of 1876. It’s a relatively obscure “ha, what?” event that’s slightly less well known among your average American than, say, the London Beer Flood of 1814. Now, recently, the Kentucky Meat Shower has gotten some additional traffic, which is very cool for us because it means we get to buy more expensive whiskeys for next week, or at the very least a gold chalice to drink it from. However, it also started a bit of a conversation in the comments section with an individual who, as far as we can tell, believes that a cloaked alien spaceship that’s 5 miles wide grows human babies as if they were corn to harvest their lung tissue, which is compatible with their species, and a “batch” went bad and had to be dumped, which lead to the Kentucky Meat Shower.
Make no mistake about it, this is a crazy thing to say. This is the kind of thing that a crazy person would say to someone while fully believing that they are not crazy, even though they are. Crazy. So very fucking crazy. We were obviously amused by it (because of the crazy) and terrified by it (when they got to saying “what’s so evil about grinding up babies” we had to get the fuck out of there) but it led us to a realization.
There are a lot of total amazing whack job conspiracies out there. And we should talk about them. So let’s do that.
America’s Whackiest Obscure Whack Job Conspiracy Theories
Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Antarctica, Conspiracy Theories, conspiracy theorists, Conspiracy Theory, Eyes Wide Shut, Flat Earth, Hollow Earth, Illuminati, India, iraq, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Kentucky Meat Shower, Lizard people, Mark Twain, NASA, Nazi, Nazis, Nicole Kidman, Nukes in India, Saddam Hussein, Stanley Kubrick, stargate
“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”
~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist
America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of. Why’s that? Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring. Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities. Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake. So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child. Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.
There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right?
So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them. So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert. Take it away, Francis.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Christopher Columbus, Conspiracy Theories, Francis Firegrove, google, LSD, Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg loves tadpoles, Mormons, NSA, President, Theory of relativity, Truman Show, US Senate, wizard obama
“Wow…we kinda called it we guess?”
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of news, commentary, and discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. After nearly ten years of being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama was tried for charges of being Osama Bin Laden, where he was found guilty. It was a pretty short trial. No doubt, literally dozens of Americans turned to AFFotD yesterday expecting a hard hitting take on the death of the world’s largest Dickweed. Instead, you were treated to a discussion of Andrew Johnson being sworn in as Vice-President while stinking drunk.
“That’s all well and good,” you all thought. “But dammit, where is my Osama Bin Laden coverage!?” Well, we can understand your confusion, but we figured it was best to wait a day before doing a fun fact on the death of a man who is such an asshole that proctologists use a scale model of his face to learn how to check for Hernias. So, we chose to wait a day, spending our time reflecting on the moral ambiguity of celebrating the death of an individual doing a lot of celebration drinking.
As such a huge event in American history, it’s a lot to take in.
Our sentiment exactly, Mr. Hester.
But now, we are here to fight through the hangover, and give you all a thorough, in depth discussion of this momentous occasion, as we present…
AFFotD’s Look into the Death of Osama Bin Laden
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Andrew Johnson, Bin Laden, Conspiracy Theories, Devin Hester, Halloween, Hide and Seek Champion, Illuminati, Kim Jon-Il, Matt Stone, Michael Meyers, Mission Accomplished, Osama Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden is Dead, Pakistan, President Bush, Return of the Jedi, South Park, Special Forces, Trey Parker, Zombie Awareness Month