“Oh my God, you’re crazy, and we love it.”
~AFFotD staff-writers to conspiracy theorists
So here’s a story. We wrote, a few years back, an article about the Kentucky Meat Shower of 1876. It’s a relatively obscure “ha, what?” event that’s slightly less well known among your average American than, say, the London Beer Flood of 1814. Now, recently, the Kentucky Meat Shower has gotten some additional traffic, which is very cool for us because it means we get to buy more expensive whiskeys for next week, or at the very least a gold chalice to drink it from. However, it also started a bit of a conversation in the comments section with an individual who, as far as we can tell, believes that a cloaked alien spaceship that’s 5 miles wide grows human babies as if they were corn to harvest their lung tissue, which is compatible with their species, and a “batch” went bad and had to be dumped, which lead to the Kentucky Meat Shower.
Make no mistake about it, this is a crazy thing to say. This is the kind of thing that a crazy person would say to someone while fully believing that they are not crazy, even though they are. Crazy. So very fucking crazy. We were obviously amused by it (because of the crazy) and terrified by it (when they got to saying “what’s so evil about grinding up babies” we had to get the fuck out of there) but it led us to a realization.
There are a lot of total amazing whack job conspiracies out there. And we should talk about them. So let’s do that.
America’s Whackiest Obscure Whack Job Conspiracy Theories
Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Antarctica, Conspiracy Theories, conspiracy theorists, Conspiracy Theory, Eyes Wide Shut, Flat Earth, Hollow Earth, Illuminati, India, iraq, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Kentucky Meat Shower, Lizard people, Mark Twain, NASA, Nazi, Nazis, Nicole Kidman, Nukes in India, Saddam Hussein, Stanley Kubrick, stargate
“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”
Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up. For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.
That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle. But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.
And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea. Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it. And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can. But until then, we humbly present…
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!
“Has someone invented heroin yet? Because if not, we should get a patent on that stuff.”
America likes putting time and effort into overly elaborate solutions to simple problems. A common belief is that NASA spent over a million dollars researching a pen that could work in space, while the Russians solved the same issue by using a pencil. Apparently, that is utter bullshit, and a pen for use in space was made independently by a company hoping to cash in on a “space-worthy pen” while American astronauts still used pencils. The pen was only adopted because the lead in pencils occasionally would snap off and could cause mechanical problems inside the ship.
“THEY’LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!”
But don’t let this common myth fool you, America still likes to go about things the long, hard, incredibly complicated and expensive way. For example, when America had a series of Fruit Flies ruining crops, how did we handle that? Pesticide? Hell no. Large bug zappers? Get that out of our face. No, America decided to research fruit flies to learn that their females only mate once in their lifespan, so they sterilized 45 million male fruit flies, doused them with pheromones, and set them loose to fire blanks at all the female fruit flies in the area. That’s right, of all the solutions out there, America decided to actively neuter 45 million insects, make them sex crazy, and just let them go at all the female fruit flies. That is not only insane, that is Americanly insane. And we absolutely love it.
That’s why, we at AFFotD are going to show you some of the greatest American inventions that are absolutely useless. Because nothing says “American” like wasting the time and money of dozens of people to create a product that no one needs.
Unfortunately for people living in log cabins out in forest preserves, America is a social culture. We often require someone else’s assistance to get us through our everyday hazards, like riding tandem bicycles, or receiving the Heimlich Maneuver. And some Americans would prefer to be anti-social. If only there were a way to do something by yourself that you otherwise would need someone else to do for you. Something like…
Posted in Insane Patents
Tagged America, Cajun Cliffhanger, Fruit Flies, grave periscope, James Bond, Kurt Cobain, NASA, Nirvana, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Patents, Six Flags, Six Flags Great America, The Simpsons