“Has someone invented heroin yet? Because if not, we should get a patent on that stuff.”
America likes putting time and effort into overly elaborate solutions to simple problems. A common belief is that NASA spent over a million dollars researching a pen that could work in space, while the Russians solved the same issue by using a pencil. Apparently, that is utter bullshit, and a pen for use in space was made independently by a company hoping to cash in on a “space-worthy pen” while American astronauts still used pencils. The pen was only adopted because the lead in pencils occasionally would snap off and could cause mechanical problems inside the ship.
“THEY’LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!”
But don’t let this common myth fool you, America still likes to go about things the long, hard, incredibly complicated and expensive way. For example, when America had a series of Fruit Flies ruining crops, how did we handle that? Pesticide? Hell no. Large bug zappers? Get that out of our face. No, America decided to research fruit flies to learn that their females only mate once in their lifespan, so they sterilized 45 million male fruit flies, doused them with pheromones, and set them loose to fire blanks at all the female fruit flies in the area. That’s right, of all the solutions out there, America decided to actively neuter 45 million insects, make them sex crazy, and just let them go at all the female fruit flies. That is not only insane, that is Americanly insane. And we absolutely love it.
That’s why, we at AFFotD are going to show you some of the greatest American inventions that are absolutely useless. Because nothing says “American” like wasting the time and money of dozens of people to create a product that no one needs.
Unfortunately for people living in log cabins out in forest preserves, America is a social culture. We often require someone else’s assistance to get us through our everyday hazards, like riding tandem bicycles, or receiving the Heimlich Maneuver. And some Americans would prefer to be anti-social. If only there were a way to do something by yourself that you otherwise would need someone else to do for you. Something like…
Posted in Insane Patents
Tagged America, Cajun Cliffhanger, Fruit Flies, grave periscope, James Bond, Kurt Cobain, NASA, Nirvana, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Patents, Six Flags, Six Flags Great America, The Simpsons
“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”
You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!
But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?
Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.
Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place
Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange Alcohol
Tagged Alcohol, America, American Pie, Beerfest, Bees, bologna, Bugs, drunk ants, drunk bugs, Edible Scorpions, Fruit Flies, Fuck Nature, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Insects, Large Hadron Collider, Math, Science, Sir John Lubbock, Tarantula Hawk, vodka