“You know the more we write in-depth articles on this, the less we’re able to get away with ‘if you don’t like this lol ignore us we’re dumb’ right?”
Last month, we sat down and wrote 18,000 words in a very off-brand attempt to take a snapshot at how each state and territory was handling closing and reopening during the COVID-19 pandemic. Of those 18,000 words, 149 were “fuck”, 89 were “fucked”, 20 were “fucking” and we tossed in a single instance of fucker and fuckers in there for good measure. This is the level of discourse we bring to the table here at America Fun Fact of the Day.
The reaction was actually far less angry than we anticipated—we had one guy gripe that our article was “dumb” and that there was a lot of “needless profanity.” Keep in mind, this was an individual who willingly read a punishingly massive article called “Who Fucked Up” so the term dumb is kind of relative, isn’t it?
Anyway, similarly, our follow up to that article is a very stupid and pointless enterprise. You should know going into this, we’re not doctors, we’re not trying to be political but somehow us talking about masks will be viewed as such, and we swear a bunch and write while drunk. If you care enough about our opinion to get upset, you really need to re-evaluate how you consume your news, Tucker.
Obviously when we made the decision to write this article two weeks ago, things looked a little less….um…listen we want to keep this light and humorous because the world is on fire and we might as well play some pretty songs while we go down with this ship.
So let’s do this! We’re going to list every state and territory, showing how they looked in June and how they look now. We’ll do a basic rundown of the initial shutdowns and reopenings of each one, reveal if we thought they had fucked up at the time, discuss any further reopenings (or, sigh, new closings), and finally we’ll ask have they fucked up, or are they fucking up.
It’s very scientific. And by scientific, we mean, what’s the opposite of scientific? Oh right, drunk people looking at charts and making broad generalizations about a very serious thing while shoehorning in some dick jokes. GodDAMNit we didn’t make a joke about Florida looking like a wang in our last article, did we? We should rectify that.
Sorry, we got distracted for a moment. ANYWAY. HERE WE GO.