As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms. We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus? Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter). When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.
Yeah you BETTER run
But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.” But guess what? Nature started it. Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake. So why should we box with one hand behind our back? As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”
This is not a war for the meek. Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear. Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares. And then nature makes them real.
Nature makes them real.
So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…
Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!: A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.
[Editor’s note: WARNING: While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn. Discretion is advised. Seriously. Fuck nature.]