Tag Archives: Booze

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

“Oh you son of a bitch.”

~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food

beer chicken

Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything.  Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation?  We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.

Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged.  Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food.  All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what?  Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

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7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats

“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”

~Consumers of fried alcohol

fried foods

Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned.  Do you like beer, and meat?  Meatbeer!  Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers?  Get that man a fucking Luther Burger!  Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos?  How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment!  What is wrong with you!?

The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle.  Well, guess what.  We love fried food.  And we love booze.  We think you can guess where this is going.

We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.

Wait, what’s that?  Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol.  Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.

7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats

fried whiskey

                                                                      (photo courtesy of thrillist)

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The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”

~Giant booze bottle owners

giant carlsburg

In America, we have two phrases we’re quite fond of.  “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.”  So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it.  While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time?  How about a full gallon?  What about a million boozes!?

Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors.  Sit back and enjoy as we show you…

The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

giant bottle

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America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

“Don’t care.  Still would take a shot of it.”

~Americans

We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs.  It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment.  Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it).  Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.

This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”).  Most flavors make sense.  Raspberry?   Sounds delicious!  Orange?  Sure!  Whipped cream?  Uh…what?

That’s right, America.  We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…

America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

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How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

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The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

“Huh.  Guess that God thing only goes so far.”

~Timothy Richard Tebow

The beauty of American sports lies in the glory of victory, but mainly the agony of defeat.  Not De-Feet, Rex Ryan, but you are right, making foot fetish jokes about the Jets is another perk of being a sports fan.  But the fact of the matter is that, no matter what, by the end of a season there is a greater chance that your team will not end up being the champions, and if you’re a Cubs fan there’s an implied certainty that not only will your team not go all the way, but you’ll probably lose your house in a fire while a re-invented Carlos Zambrano pitches a perfect game for the Miami Marlins.

And while some teams fizzle midway through the year, and most teams never have a shot, some may argue that the most devastating heartbreak can come when a team gets so close to the ultimate prize just to see it ultimately fall through their trembling, bacon-grease-covered fingers.  And as America finds itself deep into the NFL Playoffs, more and more fan bases have to see that one ultimate defeat that’ll make their entire transcendent season utterly meaningless, unless you were able to ride Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees to help you win your fantasy league.  Because at least that way those two QBs were able to win something this year.

So for the fans that spent all season bragging about the historic year of their franchise who are left standing with a gaping jaw wondering how they could have possibly given up 37 points to Eli Fucking Manning, we here at AFFotD are here to give you this handy guide.

The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

 

He might not be playing in the Super Bowl, but he’s a shoe-in for that part in the Green Bay Community Theater production of “Newsies”

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What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

“*Disconcerting gurgling noise*”

~America’s Belly

Did you know that America loves to eat?  Haha, trick question, any true American has the answer “yes” engraved to their souls, and everyone who spent a moment pondering that just got brutally mugged by thieves who decided to take advantage of the distraction.  The only reason California eats healthy food is to trick other countries in thinking that at least some of us are healthy, and even they have to deal with In-N-Out burgers to distract them.  But how much exactly do your typical Americans eat?

Well, about a ton a year.  Yes, we’re serious.

Let’s take a look at…

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

 

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Five)

“I don’t care what we’re celebrating, are you supposed to get shitty?  Yes?  GOOD.”

~America


As we’ve been seeing the past couple of days, America has shitload of Holidays.  There are national holidays, and there are the “lesser” holidays that aren’t nationally observed, but still get people out of work sometimes.  However, sometimes you have to work on a Holiday, and while that’s unfortunate, it’s more than made up for the fact that these holidays are little more than veiled excuses to drink heavily.

Pictured above:  Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

So it is with this in mind that we delve into the last subset of American holidays- the American holidays that don’t give you a day off, but are nationally celebrated.  As always, these are ranked from least-to-most American.

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Happy 4th of July, AFFotD Presents a Week of Holidays (Part One)

“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”

~Your boss


Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring.  “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.”  These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving).  You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.

Yeah that’s about right

Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose.  Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia.  In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays.  Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz.  No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.

Or else

So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday.  We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.

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