“Well, that’s a good question, an…wait…no…NO! What are they saying? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
The America Fun Fact of the Day staff likes to follow various printed media sources throughout the nation with the same grim fascination as British people watching David Blaine suspended over the Themes. We like to see if it’s going to die, or if it’ll just keep hanging around. For now, media is hanging around.
Though thankfully, newspapers are not making giant stone Abraham Lincolns.
We find one thing funnier than watching Newspapers struggle, and that’s watching newspapers ineptly try to adapt to the information age. Yeah, New York Times, we’re absolutely going to pay to go to your damn website. It’s not like the internet has already found a the surprisingly easy way to bypass the paywall already or anything. Face.
We bring all this up because, in our routine of going through newspaper’s facebook pages (which totally pale in comparison to the AFFotD facebook page which is absolutely up and running) we discovered a question posed by the RedEye, a free publication based out of Chicago. Their facebook paged asked the simple question: What would you do if you were given $100 and had to spend it in an hour.
Easy question, right? “Booze and scratch-off tickets” would be an acceptable answer. “Give me the hundred bucks first, and then I’ll let you know,” would be another one.
That didn’t get through to the 100 plus people who answered incorrectly (“oh it’s a rhetorical question though, AFFotD, you can’t have a wrong answer to a rhetorical question” oh yes you fucking can, dammit). And so, in a manner that we usually on reserve for Mike Adams or children, we’re here to tell dozens of Chicagoans how they would choose to spend 100 dollars is stupid. And just so we don’t have to put down the like, twenty people who said they would spend it on clothes, we’ll save you some time. No, clothes are not an acceptable way to spend the 100 dollars in this situation. Jesus.
And let’s start the list of hate.
Griffin Grant: “Nothing, money doesn’t grow on trees after all!”
Really? So, someone goes up to you and asks, “Hey, person named after a mythical bird, here is a hypothetical situation where you can spend 100 dollars on whatever your heart desires. What would you buy?” and you responded with, “Nothing, money is hard to come by!” Are we reading that situation correctly? Because if so, we’re going to guess that you think the word “Hypothetical” means “pretend to be be a low quality financial adviser.” If you asked Griffin if he likes hot dogs or hamburgers better, he’s probably respond that the meat should be well cooked so you don’t get E-Coli. If you asked him what his top 5 desert island CDs would be, he’d respond, “Sunscreen.” If you asked him if he’d rather go on a date with Natalie Portman or Kiera Knightley, he’d say he hasn’t thought about anyone sexually ever since the accident at the factory. You’re wasting our time here, come on man. Next thing you’re going to try to tell us that saving accounts are the American dream or some shit…
Kimmie Whew: “I’d put the money in the bank and look at the deposit receipt with pride. The new American dream is saving money and living beneath your means.”
I got your American Dream riiiiiiiight here, lady
….What? Wait, wait, what? First of all, we were wondering why you had a last name that sounded like it was making fun of the rest of your name, but then you had to open your damn mouth. Apart from the obvious issues of, “Are you kidding us, do you realize how drunk you can get off that much money,” who in America’s name would ever look at a deposit receipt from a bank with pride? The most excited we’ve been about a deposit receipt was “not annoyed to be making a trip to the bank” and that was when we were depositing a comically oversized novelty check.
“Eh…still kind of a hassle, you know?”
And of course, Kimmie Wheeeewwwwwww has the fucking audacity to try to tell us what the American dream is? And it doesn’t involve dangerous alcohol consumption, nature murder, or excessive consumerism? Hell, not only does it not fall under our actual definition of the American Dream, it actually exists as some sort of Bizarro American Dream, where up becomes down and spending 100 dollars on booze turns into some fool trying to convince us that it’s “noble” to deposit to our savings account. This answer so infuriates us that if we were given 100 dollars to spend in an hour, we would use it to hire a hacker to break into Kimmie Weeeeeewwwwwwssssssss’ bank account and empty it, because she clearly doesn’t deserve to have nice things.
ICE DREAMS: “FOUR Groupons to Ice Dreams!”
Ugh. Obnoxious shameless self promotion (what do YOU think about obnoxious shameless self-promotion? Like us on facebook and join the conversation!) is one of the most awkward things to encounter, especially on social media. A quick google search tells us that Ice Dreams is something we would absolutely not spend 100 dollars on it. And don’t let the fact that it’s a Ice Show or something lame and Un-American blind you to this fact- they literally decided to answer that question by saying, “Give it to me instead.” That’s slightly less socially acceptable than being a drunk guy who goes to a girl who tells her friends, “I want to do something different,” and responds, “I’m something different, do me!”
Unless you’re Ted Mosby, in which case you are allowed to say anything you want.
Al Allen: “Spend $60 on my 2kids[sic], n [sic] give 2 […sic, we guess] homeless ppl [sigh] $20 each!!!!!”
Bill Billen here would probably be better off spending that 60 bucks for his kids on some phonetics tapes. If not for himself, then to lead by example so his kids might not embarrass themselves with their inability to work a space bar or spell simple words. But honestly, we have no issue with John Johnen’s first part. If Steve Steven wants to give sixty bucks to his kids, who are we to blame him? Granted, that doesn’t do much for their own independence (most of our staff members didn’t receive “allowances” so much as we were “tossed into the woods with a case of beer to go on ‘spirit journeys’ when we were twelve”) but we’re not going to tell Hank Hanken how to raise his kids.
This. This was our childhood.
But our real big issue with Frank Franken’s idea here is that he wants to give 40% of the money to homeless people! That’s right, his kids are only 3/5 more important to him than random homeless people. Ugh. Goddamn it! How could Tom Tomen answer this question so wrong?
Al Allen is a stupid name, is what we’re trying to hint at, by the way.
Marzena Skoszkiewicz: “good organic food ;D”
Listen here, if we wanted to know American ways to spend a hundred bucks, we wouldn’t go to someone with three Z’s in their goddamn name, okay semi-colon-upper-case-D? Seriously, there is a reason why only one president (Zachary Taylor) had a Z anywhere in his damn name, and that president is considered one of the worst presidents of all time.
That’s because Z is the least American letter, and organic food is the least American type of food. Talk to us when Whole Foods starts charging less than 5 bucks for a goddamn cup of Chicken Noodle soup. This is what happens when we ask Eastern Europeans what they’d want to spend money on. What a waste.
Pro-tip, Marzena. Next time, say “vodka.” It’s an acceptable answer, while still reminding us that your name sounds sorta Russian. Goddamn it anyway.
Jermelle Maintanetwin Austin: “I will buy a hot meal for the homeless men and women on Wacker Dr.”
Ughhhh. Again with the “helping the homeless” bullshit. Guys, you need to start thinking about you here. Tell us this, what is more appetizing looking to you right now?
Yeah, we thought so. And next time you decide to tell everyone your name, just remember that the reason most people don’t put their middle names in online profiles is because it comes off pretentious, and it comes off a lot more pretentious when your middle name has about as many letters as your first and last name combined. Get your head out of your ass, man.
Jay Duckworth: “I would find a homeless person and buy them a healthy meal and with money leftover I would buy them some nice clothes.”
UGHHHHHH. You. Guys. Suck. So. Hard. It’s not even fun to insult you guys at this point, like how your last name looks like an Ellis Island name from the age of autocorrecting text messages. Stop using this forum as a way to give answer to these questions that are so bland they make oatmeal seem exciting. Even homeless people reading those answers are mumbling to themselves, “What a lame ass answer. I’d spend it on booze.” Or, to be a little more realistic, a homeless person getting the 100 dollars would go to the nearest Walgreens and go, “One Hundred dollars worth of your finest mouthwash. That’s right, Listerine…Total Care!”
Goddamn it, this is excruciating. Everyone is doing it wrong. Everyone. We had to dig deep through these comments to find a few nuggets of American common sense hidden away. We’d almost lose faith in our mission to highlight the most American of America if it weren’t for these responses.
Juan Dominguez: “Sex for $100.”
Haaaaaaa. We’re not saying we support or endorse prostitution, but…haaaaaa.
Mark Cosenza: “I’m hoping it’s late enough in the day to grab me and my friends some Martini’s…but if not…I guess some Bellini’s would suffice.”
THANK you, Mark. We’ve been dying for someone to mention booze. Our only quibble is that there’s no such thing as “too early” to drink a Martini. It’s all mind over matter, Mark. Mind over matter.
Ryan Kiefer: “I can’t name where I’d spend it here. Aw, who am I kidding. Dave & Busters.”
We fully support Dave & Buster’s combination of video games and booze, so we fully support this response.
Natalie Knoblauch: “I’d grab my 3 closest friends and hit up the nearest bar!”
That’s what we’re talking about America! See, it’s not so hard! Goddamn it!