“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”
We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.
This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?
That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…
America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas
Vodka and UTIs are responsible for 95% of cranberry juice sales in this nation. But unlike UTIs, vodka can do something like this and take the cranberry juice out of the equation. Yes, of course you’d love to chug some vodka tasting like cranberries or other similarly delicious fruits, but some of these flavors…well, hey, at least they’ll get you drunk.
Vodka shouldn’t be green. Let’s just get that out of the way. Vodka shouldn’t be green, and if it’s green and you are calling it “Dude flavored” we’re absolutely within our right to assume it’s ball sweat flavored. It’s not, though, it’s supposed to taste like Mountain Dew. Why not just call it “Mountain Dew flavored vodka?” Because “Dude” is more than just a market, man, it’s a state of mind, man. By which, we mean to say, they probably didn’t want to pay Mountain Dew the royalties to use its name on their product so they just mimicked the flavor the best they could, listed it as “lemon lime flavored vodka,” colored it like the specific brand of gamer-friendly cat piss that is Mountain Dew, and hired someone whose job it was to go “Lalala I can’t hear you” whenever PepsiCo’s lawyers come by with a cease-and-desist order. Though this does seem like the perfect drink to take advantage of the untapped market for extreme sports enthusiasts who also happen to have crippling alcohol dependencies.
Speaking of grossly colored vodka…
There are several Russian companies that make dill pickle flavored vodka, but that’s not particularly surprising since we’re pretty sure Russia will make anything into a vodka to help them forget their nation’s extreme cold climates and numerous jailed female punk rockers. But Naked Jay, an American distillery that claims it’s “not afraid to bare it all,” once did a pickleback and said “let’s bottle this shit and sell it so we can have obscure websites make snarky comments about it!” And oh we will. Far be it from us to disparage a company that’s taken on the noble task of getting people drunk, but there’s something depressing about chugging a vodka that’s flavored like pickle. First of all, you know this isn’t going to be mixed into any drinks, so it’s just meant to be taken as regretful shots. And most importantly, at least according to one description, this product came to fruition after Jason Zimecki ran out of vodka mixers and just started using pickle juice instead. That’s the most depressing thing we’ve ever heard, and our office is evenly split between high-functioning alcoholics and former celebrities who are drunkenly trying to eat a Wendy’s hamburger off the floor at this very moment. None of us have ever gotten to the point in an evening where we run out of mixers and instead of, say, going to the nearest 7-eleven or, you know, calling it a night just reached into the fridge, found a jar filled with pickle brine, and said, “Woo-hoo, let’s keep this party going!”
Basically, the only reason why this isn’t a baking soda flavored vodka is because Zimecki keeps that on the inside of the door of his fridge, along with the ketchup and mustard, so we suppose we should at least be grateful for that.
Yeah, we can’t think of any ways to really justify anything having scorpion added to it, unless you’re maybe talking about a Mortal Combat live action film, or a Captain Hook boo box. Their website doesn’t even try, as the entire main page consists of 100 words written by a intern scrambling to make sure to convince you that scorpions can be eaten and totally won’t kill you, which really doesn’t instill much confidence in how it’ll actually taste. “The scorpions are a delicacy in several countries. This[sic] scorpions are farm raised not wild,” the summary starts off, while ending with the completely not-vague totally-reassuring assessment that, “Many studies have been conducted on insects as food.” When you’re a company selling a five-times distilled vodka with a fucking scorpion resting at the bottom, it might make us feel better drinking it if your website’s copy didn’t read like an email written by a Kenyan prince.
Also, when you’re going to describe your vodka, and in no way discuss its flavor, what is the point of saying “many studies have been conducted on insects as food.” Many studies have been conducted on plastic as food too, but the general consensus is you don’t eat plastic. You gotta give us a little more to go on here, Skorpio, at least until finally seize control of the East Coast.
Buttered Popcorn Vodka
360 Vodka claims to make “ecofriendly vodka” which we guess is a nice way of saying “you always hurt the ones you love.” If we’re going to be using your product to pollute our bodies, you better damn well be manufacturing it in a way to pollute mother Earth, because, again, fuck nature. And since one gimmick isn’t nearly enough, they offer vodka in an assortment of unusual flavors. Glazed donut? Check. Huckleberry? It appears so. But none of those hold a candle to their most bizarre vodka flavored. The only other food we can think of that’s artificially flavored as buttered popcorn would be Jelly Belly jelly beans, and guess what? Everyone hates the buttered popcorn flavor. So in what world does a buttered popcorn vodka flavor sound like a good idea? Is there an entire subset of the population that brings flasks of vodka to movie theaters to top off with popcorn butter that we’re blissfully unaware of? We’re kind of worried that this will turn out to be one of those things that you assume no one likes until you find out that apparently everyone does it, like watching CSI or having sex in a public restroom. Either way, just like with those two examples, it’s mere existence is going to make you very questionable of every stain you see from here on out.
Finally, we have the most disgusting vodka of all…
As far as we can tell, this is just standard vodka. But we have to assume that it’s flavored like spiked hair, tattoos, and generally being kind of a douche. Yeah, it’s probably a safer bet to just spend your money on the ecofriendly buttered popcorn vodka than to support this. Eesh.