“Well, that was one of the more unnecessarily sweet vomits I’ve ever had.”
~Novelty-flavored vodka drinkers
We’ve discussed the nuanced philosophy behind flavored vodkas in the past, but here it is again. Vodka exists as a neutral spirit, which is both a blessing and a curse. Vodka earns its keep for American drunks by finding a way to let orange juice get you drunk, but its ability to meld with various flavors means that, more than any other type of alcohol, liquor companies will churn it out in dozens, if not hundreds, of different and often unnecessary varieties. And we get it, we really do. Some people don’t like the taste of alcohol and want to get drunk fast by putting four shots of raspberry vodka into a cup of fruit punch. We remember being nine years old too.
As much as you might assume that fruity-tasting alcohol is somehow less American than whiskey, well, you’d be right, but flavored vodkas are still perfectly acceptable in polite society, and in the case of downing shots might even be preferable to the unflavored variety (every drinker over the age of 18 has long ago lost their ability to down a shot of straight, unflavored vodka without their stomach reminding them of the time they did vodka shots until they puked).
But just because we drink black cherry vodka like it’s water, or can add cucumber vodka to a Bloody Mary with delicious results, doesn’t mean that all vodka flavors are created equal. That’s why we’re returning after a long vodka-article hiatus to present our third article about the strangest, most unnecessary vodka flavors in America. Because why drink alcohol that makes you seem like you’ve retained some semblance of your sanity when you can get drunk on something that tastes like a freshly mown lawn. That’s not a joke flavor, by the way.
America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)
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Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, Strange Alcohol, Vodka
Tagged 360 Vodka, America, Bloody Mary, Cinnabon, flavored vodka, fresh cut grass vodka, fruit loops, fruit loops vodka, Holiday Inn Express, king cake, king cake vodka, Mardi Gras, New Orleans, PInnacle, Pinnacle vodka, Sriracha, Sriracha vodka, Three Olives, vodka, Vodka Flavors, waffle vodka, waffles
“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”
We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.
This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?
That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…
America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas
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