“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”
~Giant booze bottle owners
In America, there are two phrases we’re quite fond of. “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.” So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it.
While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time? How about a full gallon? What about a million boozes!?”
Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors. Sit back and enjoy as we show you…
The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World
Giant novelty liquor bottles are a great way for a bar to show that they at least have one item of alcohol that has never been purchased since the day they opened. They also double as one of the most efficient methods for Stanley Cup winning hockey teams to put ten thousand dollars on their bar tab at a time, while serving as a pretty kitschy way for liquor companies to get some free publicity when they unveil some absurd bottle of booze that no one will ever actually purchase.
So of course, we here at America Fun Fact of the Day are willing to march to the beat of that drum, because if you put multiple gallons of liquor in a single bottle, of course we’re going to write about it. Haven’t you even read this site?
That’s why we are here to tell you the largest bottle that has ever been made for each type of liquor that has decided to get in on the novelty bottles arms race. So ready your liver, because we’re about to show you enough alcohol to make Mormonism extinct.
World’s Largest Wine Bottle: 1,850 Liters
In 2010, a Chinese winery looked at the Guinness book of world records and said, “Wait, a 490 liter bottle is the current record of the world’s largest wine bottle? We can quadruple that, right?” So they decided to make a bottle of ice wine in an unsettling shade of brown-pink and put it in a bottle big enough that if two adults hugged the bottle from opposite ends, it’s questionable whether or not their hands would touch.
The beauty of giant bottles like this is that, at first you marvel at the bottle that is so large it requires heavy machinery to put it at a slant, but then it starts to delve into the philosophical. Once you open it, don’t you have to drink it all or it’ll go bad? Did they make a special, giant cork stopper for it? How do you drink it? How do you drink it!? Damn you China, why must you tempt us so? Obviously, this bottle is not for sale to the general public (read as: douchebags trying too hard to impress chicks in a club). However, this next entry is.
Largest Champagne Bottle (And World’s Largest Champagne Flute): 30 Liter bottle, 56.25 liter glass
There’s probably a glass-half-full metaphor about the Ukraine making a champagne flute so big that the largest champagne bottle size can’t even fill it, but then again this is the Ukraine and we’re pretty sure whenever someone stops running long enough to contemplate literary nuances they get dragged off screaming by a pack of rabid wild dogs. The Ukraine does have a poet laureate, but he has to spend his time traveling constantly in the back of a van, like he’s the nuclear football or John Madden or something.
Granted, maybe that’s just our deep-seated stereotypical views towards former Soviet territories coming to light, but we digress. The champagne flute is the least of our worries, although looking at that picture above we just can’t stop picturing ourselves hovering over it on a step ladder while aggressively slurping up bubbly booze with a ten foot long straw.
This is just pure novelty to get the Guinness people’s attention, or maybe Ukraine’s attempt to let you know how much alcohol they require to help forget the misery of living in the Ukraine. The largest bottle of champagne in the world, however, is not. It’s very real, and very purchasable.
It seems strange that no one has decided “screw it, let’s make a 400 liter bottle of champagne just so we can get a fun little blurb posted in Huffington Post” it’s even stranger that the largest bottles, all 30 liters of champagne, are (for a few hundred grand) available for purchase and are common enough to have a name given it: “Melchizedek.”
We’re not sure if it got this name as a way for pretentious purchasers to say to their horribly uninterested entourage “You know, Melchizedek was the king of Salem in the 14th chapter of the book of Genesis” or if it was so named as a fail-safe to make sure no one blackout drunk accidentally orders it, since science has proven that no drunk in the history of time has successfully remembered and spoken the name “Melchizedek.”
Regardless, you’ll likely only see a bottle this size in one of two scenarios: either you happen to frequent a very fancy liquor store that has it on display for novelty purposes (seriously, the bottle is four feet tall) or you’ve been standing outside in line at a Vegas club for three hours, and at one point when the door swings open to let a tall attractive blonde woman in a skimpy dress in, you see some douchebag struggling to pour one onto a group of revelers while screaming “THIS COCAINE IS AMAZING I AM A BEAST WHO’S WASTING HIS TRUST FUND NOW HUH DAD?”
World’s Largest Bottle of Vodka: 200 Liters (or exactly one Sandra Bullock)
Chopin vodka, which is arguably one of the top five premium potato vodkas that shares a name with a classical composer-pianist, celebrated the 200th anniversary of Frederick Chopin’s birth by making a 200 liter bottle of their vodka. Sandra Bullock was the first celebrity to sign the bottle, which really strikes us as a transparent attempt to crush Sandra Bullock underneath a giant bottle of vodka.
Listen, Chopin, we’ve all had that dream where a beautiful starlet is pinned helplessly underneath a giant bottle of vodka while we’re laughing maniacally, but Sandra Bullock is a natural treasure. Leave her out of your nefarious plot, you fiends!
We can’t help but imagine someone trying to drink from this bottle, straining as it leans against them and alcohol spills out from the top. Though at least vodka, as opposed to the obscenely large wine bottle, should keep once it’s been opened.
World’s Largest Can of Beer: 3,608 Liters
In 1999, Guinness, fearing that there might be possibly three people on the planet who have never heard of it, decided that it would be a fun publicity stunt to make a 14 foot tall can of Guinness that can hold 7,625 pints of beer, or just about enough beer to disappoint a small town when the can is opened and the beer eventually goes flat.
We don’t know if they actually filled the cans with beer, or just left them empty to leave somewhere as one of the cruelest tricks to play on an unsuspecting Irish village. We hope it’s the former, but we’ll admit that we’d get a pretty big kick out of it if they went with the latter.
World’s Largest Whiskey Bottle: 105.3 Liters
Stop it! Stop trying to drink the screen! We understand the desire to do so, but trust us it’s not going to get you drunk. The bottle holds about 150 bottles worth of Scotch, which is roughly zero less than you want to have at this very moment. It took 14 people to fill and close the bottle, and yes it does have an actual giant cork sealing it, which is our second favorite thing about this whole thing, next to that whole “enough alcohol to drown Orson Wells” aspect of things. So next time you pour yourself a glass from that handle of Johnny Walker you got for a mild discount, just remember—there’s big, and then there’s “at this point it no longer has any functional purpose” big. Either way, it’ll get ya drunk.