“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”
~Giant booze bottle owners
In America, we have two phrases we’re quite fond of. “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.” So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it. While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time? How about a full gallon? What about a million boozes!?”
Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors. Sit back and enjoy as we show you…
The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World
Posted in America's Largest Everything, Mixing Drinks
Tagged Alcohol, America, Beer, Booze, Champagne, Chopin, Giant Booze Bottles, Guinness, Scotch, Ukraine, vodka, Whiskey, Wine, World's Largest
“I only got two speeds- drunk and dead.”
We’ve previously discussed liquor that sells for inordinate amounts of money. And we’ve talked about how it’s conflicting, since you can spend that money on things like, much more booze. And sure, in the case of the 45 year old Chivas, the Scotch was being sold for $200,000 largely because the bottle was balls expensive. And in retrospect, that’s a huge waste. If you’re spending a fuckton of money for booze, you’d better make sure the booze is what’s worth it.
If we were paying thousands of dollars for a bottle of liquor, we’d almost prefer that it come in a ziplock bag, just so we can know that we’re not paying any markup for a diamond studded bottle or anything. Which is why we’re here to bring your attention to the most expensive bottle of scotch ever sold in an auction (held in just a normal glass bottle) in 2012’s first…
AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch
“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”
~The average American liver
America loves spending too much money on pointless status items. Why? Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one. But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.
Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor. Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street. Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”
As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better. That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter. Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.
Holy hell. Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you. Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount. And then we got mad. But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.
“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]
Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA