Tag Archives: expensive booze

The 6 Most Expensive American-Brewed Beers

“Oh, that seems a fair price for such a delicious…*chugs entire bottle* *runs the fuck out*”

~AFFotD staffer when presented with one of America’s most expensive beers

 fancy beer

The 21st century is a great time to like beer.  While America spent the 1970s thinking that managing to score a case of Coors was something to actually be excited about, and we had to blindly choose between “Bud” or “Miller” at most bars before deciding, “Fuck that, I’ll just chug some Listerine instead, it’ll get more drunk and tastes a little better” we now live in a nation where there are enough distinct and delicious varieties of beer that even people who swear they “hate beer” can find a style they love.

Now, much like there are still people who believe that the Earth if flat, or that Little Fockers is the best movie Ben Stiller has ever made, some drinkers hopelessly cling to Budweiser and Miller as “what a real beer tastes like!”  If you dare to point out that Budweiser tastes like someone put a handful of straw in a wet sock that they poured a bottle of tonic water in, they’ll ball up their fists and shout, “I like this beer ‘cause it’s cheap!  It’s refreshing when you make it cold enough that you can’t taste it that well!  Something negative about IPAs!”

While we might be being harsh in saying that these people are troglodytes, we do know that they just Googled the word “troglodyte” and said, “Hey, fuck you too assholes!” to their screen as if we can hear them (we cannot).

budweiser commercial

We love it when beer commercials make our point for us.

However, the main point that people who defend inferior beer (“mer mer that’s elitist I like my beer cold and my mer mer mer”) make is that Budweiser, Miller, and Coors are all, well, very cheap.  Granted, there are cheaper beers out there that taste better, but that’s not saying much—you can have a very basic, cheap lager that will do the job to get you drunk, and people can rightfully point out that a twelve pack of cheap shitty beer costs about the same as a six pack of okay craft beer.  We don’t dispute this, but we should point out that the shitty beer tends to be about 4% alcohol per volume, while you can get that okay craft beer at around 8% or 9%, meaning you’ll get drunker faster on better beer, so why the hell are you so desperately clinging to your macrobrew?

That being said, the boon of microbrewing and homebrewing in America means that now, more than ever before, we’ve had an almost infinite options of great beer at our disposal.  Unfortunately, with that boon in popularity comes gimmicks, and one of those gimmicks involves limited release beers that cost you more than you can really justify spending on a beer.  These are beers that cost $50 or more, and even at that price, require you wait in line and fight off hundreds of other craft beer nerds, desperate to taste a forbidden fruit that really probably tastes about as good as a $10 beer of comparable quality.

So we’re going to throw a bone to those of you reading this shouting (again, we can’t hear you) “Fancy beers are for sissies!  They cost too much!  I like Coors Light and being punched in the dick, you know, manly drinks!” by addressing the one negative side effect of the craft beer boon.  Obnoxiously expensive beers.  And so, we present to you…

The 6 Most Expensive American-Brewed Beers

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$200,000 seems about right for a bottle of Scotch, right?

“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”

~The average American liver

 

America loves spending too much money on pointless status items.  Why?  Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one.  But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.

Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor.  Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street.  Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”

As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better.  That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter.  Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.

Holy hell.  Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you.  Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount.  And then we got mad.  But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.

Artist’s Rendition

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