“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”
~The average American liver
America loves spending too much money on pointless status items. Why? Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one. But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.
Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor. Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street. Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”
As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better. That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter. Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.
Holy hell. Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you. Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount. And then we got mad. But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.
Now, with most things that are ridiculously expensive, it’s going to be the packaging that is the reason for it. The liquor itself is the oldest and finest whiskey made by Chivas Brother, which doesn’t make the best scotch in the world by a long shot, but we’ll take their word that this whiskey, which is aged at least 45 years, is worth a high price tag. After all, there’s something to be said about drinking an alcohol that’s legally old enough to be elected as President.
Here for example, is a bottle of Chivas that is 21 years old and costs a cool $250 bucks. Now, this is younger than half the age of the $200,000 Chivas. That said, we’re not great at math because, well you know, but if we had to calculate it, $200,000 dollars would buy you eight hundred bottles of this stuff. Which leads us to the bottle, which you can see at the top of this article.
Here’s what it looks like in a nice wood box.
The bottle is crafted out of black porcelain, which has 413 flawless black and white diamonds, and 22 carats of additional gems, all set in gold and silver. Upon reading that description, our staff wondered what they were doing only using porcelain, which seems pretty mundane. Since they only made 21 of these damn things, we were hoping for something truly impressive. Hell, for $200,000 we’d want our bottle to be made out of blowjobs and a map of the location where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. No, scratch that, for $200,000, our bottle of scotch better have the best scotch we’ve ever tasted and a drunken genie who will grant you three wishes but is always so blackout drunk he never remembers giving you earlier wishes. For $200,000, the liquor in the bottle had better automatically refill through the power of magic.
What we’re saying is that $200,000 is a shitload of money to spend on a bottle of booze. For example, here is a list of things we at AFFotD would rather spend $200,000 on.
- 2,000 bottles of the best bourbon we can find in America.
- 20 monkeys that we can train and turn into liquor dispensing butlers.
- 200,000 items off the Wendy’s value menu.
- 800,000 beers.
- 8,000 bottles of just okay bourbon.
- 16,000 bottles of shitty bourbon.
You get the idea. So while it might seem deliciously American decadent to spend this much bread on a single bottle of booze, think about how much more damage you should be able to do to your liver with that much money! It’s called pragmatism, America. Embrace it.