“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match