Tag Archives: Korea

The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough

“No, seriously, you have to stop printing these like Thin Mints.  What’s it gonna take, an actual major war to make you chill?”

~Smedley Butler, trying to turn down a Medal of Honor in the early 20th century

medal of honor

We’re going to start this one off with a disclaimer—any claims we make regarding the Medal of Honor is a reflection of how politicians and military leaders handed out the honor before we really had any intense modern wars under our belt.  Our servicemen that fought in the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, or the many other excursions where they have put their lives on the line for their brothers and for their country have paid dearly for our benefit, and every single recipient of the Medal of Honor can, at worst, be called a hero (at best they can be called “basically Batman, if Batman could get free beer and deserved gratitude sex whenever they want”).

Even when we make fun of the skirmishes that resulted in Medals of honor being handed out during the time period of 1869 (when we had kind of forgotten what the Civil War was like) to 1917 (when we started World War I and realized, holy shit, this shit is super intense), we’re acknowledging that the soldiers who were awarded did show valor and a love of this country.  They just happened to get an award that was handed out to pretty much anyone who asked for it up until recently.  Let’s put it this way—Congress gave out 1522 Medal of Honors in the Civil War, of which 32 were posthumous.  Now, the American Civil War was a bloody and bitterly fought war, but when you consider the fact that we awarded only 464 during the entirety of World War II (266 posthumously by the way), or that we’ve only given out 16 (7 of which were to fallen soldiers) of these awards in the Afghanistan and Iraqi War combined, you can see how we’ve increasingly made the honor harder and harder to get.  The Congressional Medal of Honor, as we know it know, is the most prestigious and rare award for those who have gone above and beyond their duty to keep freedom within these borders—for those of you with a loose idea of what military action generally means, this is the award a soldier gets when doing something so brave and so intense that, if you saw it in a movie, you’d respond, “Oh, come on, the director’s really taking some liberties with this battle to make it seem more exciting.”

So currently, yes, the Medal of Honor is given out only in the most extraordinary and harrowing cases , but during the time period between the end of the Civil War and start of World War I?  Well, at that point it was more…

The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”

~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un

 kim jong un

Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs!  We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!

While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware!  On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates!  Their privates!

korea wife and husband

The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights!  She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!

Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors!  Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!

dog and gun

Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!

missile

Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!

korea kim jong un jet ski

TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!

On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend.  Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea.  Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un.  No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!

lemon

QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!

Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied.  For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea!  One Million!  Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!

seedling

“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”

While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.

And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!

video game army

Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!

So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!

All who oppose us will be doomed

Privy to fears of imperialist rule

Readily we all proclaim

In Fearless Leader’s holy name

Lashing the flesh of our enemies

For their screams will give us glee!

On this the most glorious day

Our enemies must will quiver this way

Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated

So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!

[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long.  He fled our confines and how did we reward him?  We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza.  It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th


As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are.  That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda.  So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like.  We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right.  Women’s Soccer.  Ugh.  The hell is this bullshit?  That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA!  USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

 

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