Tag Archives: April Fools’

An April Fools’ Message From Our Editor-in-Chief

“Ugh, seriously guys?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

april-fools-day

Hi, America.  This is Johnny Roosevelt here, Editor-in-Chief of this fine portal of American greatness.  Ever since my great-grandfather invented America, the Roosevelt name has been dedicated to maintaining America’s might and almost Herculean ability to ignore our own faults while focusing on the good things in life.  Beer, bourbon, fried foods, and so forth.  So, while we normally like to avoid actual opinion articles on this site, since let’s be honest you’re usually coming here to find out what beers will get you drunk fastest, and we are nothing if not shameless panderers to page views, every once and a while I feel it’s time for me to step forward, give the rest of my writers a bit of a day off, and talk to you, the American people.  Or, you know, non-Americans, you’d be surprised how many Europeans randomly read this site.

And what is of such importance that I felt the need to wake up literally 4 hours earlier than usual, dealing with the whiskey hangover I associate with every Wednesday morning?  The date.  It’s April 1st.  For some of you, that’s just a normal day in spring.  For most of you, it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY and you’re going to be PULLING PRANKS!  That’s neat!  That’s cute.

You need to fucking stop, America.

carrie blood

Pictured above- still better than most April Fools’ pranks.

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The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

“Hmm, I could buy one bottle of whiskey, or, OR, I could get drunk every day, for my whole life, on very good whiskey, and still not pay that much.  Decisions, decisions.”

~Practical American Booze Shoppers

 glengoyne

When we set out to bring you the closest thing to a comprehensive list of the world’s most expensive whiskeys that a writing staff of buzzed and lightly drunk gluttons could put together, we didn’t know what to expect.  We’ve covered the most expensive versions of various items here before, from pizza and hamburgers to yachts to even vodka, and as much as we wholeheartedly endorse waste and greed, we can’t ever get past the whole “if you can buy a thousand bottles of liquor for the price of one stupid status symbol, why not just go for bulk instead” mindset of things.  Our view on excess generally boils down to the following—take a hundred pounds of butter and carve it into a cow?  You keep doing you, you glorious American bastard.  But spend $10,000 on a single bottle of alcohol?  Is that really better than, say, 300 bottle of Woodford Reserve?

With that caveat in mind, we were (somewhat) pleasantly surprised to see that none of the entries of most expensive whiskeys come from the United States.  Sure, 99 times out of 100, when we see someone doing something better than America we start frothing at the mouth while demanding an immediate arms race, economy be damned, but in this instance, we’re happy to cede the title to the Scots, especially since, if you’re patient and really looking to flex your alcohol spending powers, $200 and knowing the right people can get most Americans the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, it’s time to delve into the world’s most expensive whiskeys.  We can guarantee you will never have the opportunity to take even a sip of any of these, so it’s best to just tell yourself they all taste like shoe leather and that everyone who purchased it immediately uttered, “Dear God, what have I done” as soon as they tried it.

The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

 johnny walker go fuck yourself

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Welcome to New Russia, Comrades!

“Everything fine.  Did you hear that North Korea now make all men have same cut hair?  Very crazy.  Ignore Crimea.”

~American Fun Facts of Day Website?

 putin leering

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”

~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un

 kim jong un

Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs!  We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!

While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware!  On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates!  Their privates!

korea wife and husband

The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights!  She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!

Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors!  Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!

dog and gun

Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!

missile

Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!

korea kim jong un jet ski

TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!

On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend.  Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea.  Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un.  No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!

lemon

QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!

Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied.  For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea!  One Million!  Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!

seedling

“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”

While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.

And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!

video game army

Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!

So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!

All who oppose us will be doomed

Privy to fears of imperialist rule

Readily we all proclaim

In Fearless Leader’s holy name

Lashing the flesh of our enemies

For their screams will give us glee!

On this the most glorious day

Our enemies must will quiver this way

Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated

So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!

Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

“The Great Eternal Leader has blessed this day with his many healthy orchards.”

~All who celebrate eternal blessed leader Kim Il-Sung shall sing his praises to the afterlife!

Greetings all who embrace Best Korea and fight to expel the imperialist oppression from nations whose false ideals once did shed sadness into the heart of Great Leader Kim Jong-Il, and continue to sadden Great Successor Kim Jong-un, who just on this day carried ten thousand pounds of strawberries from his personal orchard to ease the suffering of his citizens. As clouds parted and sunshine appeared, great jubilation came forth from these poor peasants, and the Song of remembrance for Great Leader Kim Jong-Il rang into to heavens, causing the sky to smile upon Best Korea and send Earthquakes to our oppressive neighbors to the south. The strawberries, planted by the very hand of the Great Successor himself, made all that consumed it vibrant, and Great Successor gave them all the finest clothing in Best Korea. Look to below and see the happy citizens!

Yes, today is a great day for living in Best Korea, where waters are plentiful and food contains little-to-no worms! As the South Korea imperialist puppet attends economic conferences, sharing hedonistic sex kisses with the Western imperialist dogs, the heavens shine upon Best Korea and all statues of Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il, who never let the Best Korean go hungry with his plentiful wisdom and wide fields of grains, and for whom our tears shed daily out of grief for Great Leader and not for our wretched family members who dared not shed tears in Great Leader’s memory! Our mighty armies will crush all oppressors!

“Tee hee, we laugh at the mighty losses our enemies will face against our invincible armies!”

On this glorious day, we will reward all true citizens of Best Korea with a story on what occurred mere hours ago, by the very ample, informed, and in no way powerless puppet Great Successor. On this day the weather in Best Korea is always sunny and 25 Celsius, while the Southern puppet nation only sees tsunamis and tornadoes for Great Successor, Great Leader and Exalted Eternal Leader do not smile upon its dark imperialistic rat-like ways. Great Successor awoke, and after shedding appropriate number of sincere tears for the memory of Great Leader, played 18 holes of golf, receiving eighteen holes in one for exalted glory! Light shone from his fingers and no child in Best Korea ever suffers from illness!

“Yes, you too have seen the exalted leader’s magnificence! I will now go to Great Korea assistance community of manual employment for possessing contraband, imperialist technologies! Glory to Best Korea and Great Leader!”

Great Successor then went to the shrine of the Eternal Leader, Kim Il-Sung, and from the ground grew bread for every Best Korean, and Great Successor Kim Jung-un did bring forth a shield of protection to repel the lies of the swinedog puppet South Korean lapdogs! All in the land, the Song of Kim Il-Sung resonated in the skies, and the rain that fell, and only the crops were wet, and all the garments of Best Korea stayed dry and in no way spoiled by famine or disease! Glory unto Eternal leader, who smiles at each launched missile that will someday crush the capitalistic oppressors!

“I am only saddened that I cannot die a thousand times over to destroy the Imperialist swine!”

Today the Great Successor will perform a million pushups to maintain his perfectly healthy weight and figure, and in doing so, the ground will receive his blessed weight and reward Best Korea with crops so that they will never suffer or desire to leave to China, and all Imperialist monuments will collapse under the weight of their own hypocrisy!

“Our thunderous applause shall be rewarded a thousand times over by the nurturing care of Great Leader, who shall give each citizen home and oxen!”

Now, as Great Successor has decreed, now we shall sing the song of Best Korea might! For Victory!

All of Best Korea will stand in line

Pleasure is Great Successor’s to give at all times!

Rally for Great Leader, for whom we cry,

Imperialist shall be slaughtered just like swine!

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

Feasts for all of Great Successor’s people

Omnipotent Great Successor laughs at Southern puppet, feeble

Onwards to continue the Glory of nation’s rest

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

So we shout, so everyone, can give all our love to Kim Jung-un!

April Fools, a History of Pranks

“Ha!  Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it!  April Fools’!”

~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)

Enjoy the seizures

The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’.  That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos.  You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies.  Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’!  Ha ha!

Is it worth the risk?  Probably, that shit’s delicious

So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people).  And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full.  God, we love this day.

Ha haaa!

But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers.  In fact, we’re here to give you…

The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day:  A History

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