Tag Archives: Wisconsin

The Six Most Expensive Cheeses in the World

“Oh wow, I’m sure that is very delicious.  *continues eating a string cheese*”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

wheel of cheese

Money is a weird thing.  People slave for it, they kill for it, they fight wars for it, but as soon as you get it you turn around and you’re that asshole who’s spending $12,000 to have a chef make a pizza topped with caviar and lobster in your house.  That dichotomy might be why we here at AFFotD are so perversely fascinated at the kinds of people who spend ungodly sums of money for particular items.  Sure, we’ve covered expensive yachts, which are inherently a waste of money, but it’s also incredible how much people have wasted on vodka, hamburgers, hell, even beer.

Normally (with the exception of our beer article) these products are expensive for pointless “look how big my dick is” reasons.  Anything can be expensive if you fill it with diamonds or cover it in shaved gold, that’s just pretentious and obnoxious.  However, sometimes, people spend more money than they should on items because they actually believe it to be top quality.  We’ve seen this, for example, in our discussion of expensive whiskeys—while there are some bottle gimmicks at play, these six figure bottles of alcohol at least represent some of the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, we’ve put our focus towards a food that we love but that can also manage to be expensive for a variety of fairly unpretentious reasons—cheese.  Cheese is wonderful in general, but there are huge swings in qualities between varieties.  You can have cheap American cheese for a few nickels per slice, or you can fancy decadent cheeses that’ll set you back twenty dollars for a small wedge, and you’ll be fully aware of the difference.  A lot of cheese comes down to preference, but there isn’t a lot of pretension here.  So that’s why we decided to look into the most expensive cheeses in the world, to look at something that’s expensive due to its quality and scarcity, and not because some asshole decided to toss gold and truffles in there.

Okay, well, two assholes on the list did that, but the rest are legit.

The Six Most Expensive Cheeses in the World

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Elm Farm Ollie: America’s Flying Milking Cow

“What’s the use of flying if you can’t even milk a cow on a plane?”

What?  Bob, are you having a stroke?

“Blast the monkey jam, Betty!”

~Transcript from 1930 International Air Exposition planning meeting

ollie the flying cow

You are blessed to live in a time where it’s actively difficult to be truly bored.  No, we know that any combination of events, from work meetings to being stuck in traffic can leave you “bored” but none of you have experience real boredom, in the same way that you’ve been hungry before but not actively starving.  We have the internet to distract us, we carry tiny computers in our pockets that can call people and play stupid but additive games, and apparently radio and television are things that people still kind of use when they don’t want to pay for premium Spotify accounts or Netflix.

We point this out because in the early 1900’s, that was not the case at all.  The human mind needs to be distracted, and when all you have is books and a lot of public shaming regarding masturbation, you’re going to seek out some pretty desperate ways to entertain yourself.  That’s as close to a segue as we’re going to get so we’ll just go ahead and tell you what this article is going to be about.

This is about the first time a cow was ever milked mid-air.

[awkward pause]

[howling wind]

America was a lot easier entertained in 1930, okay guys?  Let’s dive into this.

Elm Farm Ollie:  America’s Flying Milking Cow

 elm farm ollie

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America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

insane bloody

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The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

“I mean, how do I…finish this?  It’s EVERYWHERE.”

~Consumers of the following

messy burger

Hamburgers are a wonderful.  We’ve often explained why in great detail.  We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world.  Hamburgers are wonderful.

That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.

Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries.  Some are fancy, some are plain.  Some are tofu.  All are delicious.  Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad.  No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done.  We’ll wait.

Ahem.

Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy.  That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer.  Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there?  Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article.  But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…

The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Four)

“Good Friday doesn’t count THAT much, does it?”

~Jesus

As we saw in yesterday’s post, there are a surprising amount of Holidays that occur throughout America, ranging from “Well that’s just stupid” to “Oh I guess I’ve heard of that.”  In honor of this week being the week of America’s fucking birthday, we’re continuing our five part feature on Holidays in America.  Continuing onward…

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A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 3

“Daddy, mom said that we’re supposed to call the police if you start drinking behind the wheel again.”

~How many times does daddy have to tell you kids to shut the hell up?

America is a glorious, sprawling land, with a lot of weird shit out there.  As we’ve established in our first and second road trips through Midwestern America, the best part of driving through America is being able to stop and waste time at a whole variety of strange, exotic places.  Except for that spider-car.  That was terrifying as all shit.

AGHHHHHH FLASHBACK

After our last trip, which ended with several AFFotD staffers getting wasted at Mount Rushmore, we don’t really know what happened.  When we eventually woke up, we all were missing one shoe, one sock, and the sleeves of our shirts had been cut off.  Oh, also, our car was scattered around us in dozens of pieces.  Or so we thought.  Actually, our car was nowhere to be found.  Turns out we’re in Alliance, Nebraska, where we were greeted with this sight.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 5/29- May 29th in American History

“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend?  Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”

~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).

Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?

Today’s American day in American history

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April Fools, a History of Pranks

“Ha!  Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it!  April Fools’!”

~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)

Enjoy the seizures

The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’.  That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos.  You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies.  Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’!  Ha ha!

Is it worth the risk?  Probably, that shit’s delicious

So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people).  And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full.  God, we love this day.

Ha haaa!

But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers.  In fact, we’re here to give you…

The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day:  A History

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