“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”
~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un
Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs! We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!
While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware! On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates! Their privates!
The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights! She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!
Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors! Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!
Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!
Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!
TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!
On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend. Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea. Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un. No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!
QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!
Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied. For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea! One Million! Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!
“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”
While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.
And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!
Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!
So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!
All who oppose us will be doomed
Privy to fears of imperialist rule
Readily we all proclaim
In Fearless Leader’s holy name
Lashing the flesh of our enemies
For their screams will give us glee!
On this the most glorious day
Our enemies must will quiver this way
Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated
So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!