“*the sound of a human sized block of ice shattering after dropping to the ground*”
~Americans this winter
This week, America has been experiencing an event known as a “Polar Vortex” which apparently is not the name of an albino porn star, but rather some science term that means “it got really fucking cold everywhere except for southern California, who spent a whole week bragging about how warm it was while people in the Midwest were actively freezing to death.” As subzero temperatures swept across the nation, seeing wind chills as low as 50 degrees below zero, the nation collectively (except for southern California. Fuck you guys) bundled up in every article of clothing they owned and exclaimed a single, extended, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Schools closed, roads ground to a halt, residents of Chicago decided that “Chiberia” was the best pun they could come up with after the cold cut off much of the circulation to their brains, and people who remember commercials from 1998 started imagining Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwiches in a futile attempt to warm themselves.
Now some people, when faced with a bleak and cold environment, like to think of warm, happy thoughts. A comfy blanket. A hot bowl of soup. Slowly but enjoyably suffocating to death between Dolly Parton’s boobs in 1973. Us? We just get whiskey drunk and look at places that are even colder so we can try to convince ourselves to stop being such goddamn pussies over this goddamn negative 15 degree weather.
That’s why we’re going to show you a list of cities from five states in America where, and we’re just guessing here, it’s too cold for fire to even exist.
The Five Coldest Recorded Temperatures in American History (by state)
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Posted in Fuck Nature
Tagged #RIPZaneStephens, Alaska, America, American History, Chiberia, Cold, Coldest Days, Colorado, Lowest Temperatures, Maybell Colorado, Montana, Peter Sinks, Polar Vortex, Prospect Creek, Rogers Pass, temperature, temperatures, Utah, Winter, Wyoming, Zane Stephens
“Don’t say it’s the musical. I swear to God, you’d better not say it’s the musical.”
It’s been a long, magical, pissing-off-a-lot-of-people-from-the-more-prideful-states ride, but here we are, in part 10 of our American States of America series, where we go through each and every state in this wonderful nation and tell you what we like most about them. And after this last segment, from Delaware to Hawaii, every state will have been represented (unless Puerto Rico finally sneaks into the Union, but we don’t know if that’s the best idea, simply because we’ve yet to find a true American who didn’t get nervous trying to count to a number higher than 50).
So it’s with a heavy liver heart that we end this segment. But don’t you worry, we’ll always be there for America, telling you all the best way to get drunk, or how you can make your cholesterol so high that anyone who takes your blood has to be diagnosed with heart disease. But until then, we have some final states to introduce.
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Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged Alaska, America, America States Of America, American States of America, Arizona, Grand Canyon, Hawaii, London Bridge, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Will Rodgers
“Who even gives a shit about August 26th being Women’s Equality Day, huh? What kind of bullshit is that?
~National Dog Day, which occurs on August 26th
As we saw in yesterday’s Fun Fact, Holidays are pretty cool. Even the lame holidays are fine in our book, so long as we get a day off from them. However, there are many holidays in America that you can get the day off in certain parts of the country, but not everywhere else, mainly because Alabama wants to act all douchey by giving a day off for “Confederacy Day.”
Yeah, that makes sense. “Oh, we lost a war, let’s reward ourselves with a day off from school.” That’d be like England taking a day off to celebrate losing the Revolutionary War, only the Brits would at least have the good sense to call it the, “Oh Blimey, We Bollocks Up the Wanker With This One” Day or whatever the fuck because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.
“Oh I hobgobbed the wobbler in the lift with the wassbots, blah blah Fish and Chips.” We’re pretty sure she just ordered a bomb strike on Grenada with that sentence.
With that in mind, AFFotD is here to continue our discussion of American Holidays, with a look at some of the more tenuous excuses to give people a day off from school around the nation. This list, as always will be in order of least American to most American. Continue reading →
Posted in America's Holidays
Tagged A Week of Holidays, Alabama, Alaska, Bourbon, Cesar Chavez, Cesar Chavez Day, Civil War, Confederacy day, Holiday, Holidays, Martin Luter King Jr, Memorial Day, National Hot Dog Day, Seward's Day, William H. Seward, Women's Equality Day, YMCA
“We can only hope that someday, a law will come that will be more idiotic than this law which we are trying to pass.”
~Every member of the Temperance Movement
We live in a society of rules and laws, but we exist as a society that would prefer to ignore the ones we don’t agree with. And generally, law enforcement officers don’t care about the laws that we ignore, unless outdated definitions of brothels are involved, but even then Americans just find a way around it. The fact is, many laws have been enacted in this fine land over the past 130 plus years (wait…2011 minus 1776 is…yeah that sounds about right) and not all of them aged particularly well. But, instead of replacing them, we leave them on the books so that they can just stare at us, looking silly, watching us laugh at them. Sorta like Andy Kaufman.
You had us at that one time you said that thing with the funny accent.
Since the AFFotD office has a running “felony” pool, we like to track some of the more obscure laws in the land for when we want to add something to our list of committed crimes, while avoiding most legal repercussions. Maybe the way we keep score for our “Who committed the most crimes” today game is faulty, but technically manslaughter is worth as many points as getting a fish drunk in Ohio. So that’s why we’re here to each and every American heart out there the ways that they’ve been breaking the law, without even realizing it, in today’s edition of…
AFFotD’s Most Ridiculous American Laws of America
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Posted in Strange America
Tagged Alabama Churches, Alaska, America, Andy Kaufman, Beer, Dumb Laws, English, Flying Moose, Funeral Director, Groucho Marx, Guinness, Guinness and Cheddar Soup, Illinois, Kettle Soup, Moose, Ohio, Reservoir Dogs, Soup, Speaking American, Temperance Movement
“Ha! Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it! April Fools’!”
~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)
Enjoy the seizures
The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’. That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos. You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies. Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’! Ha ha!
Is it worth the risk? Probably, that shit’s delicious
So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people). And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full. God, we love this day.
But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers. In fact, we’re here to give you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day: A History
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Alaska, America, AOL, AOL Presents Huffington Post Presents America ‘Fun’ ‘Fact’ of the ‘Day’ You’ve Got Mail!, April Fools', April Fools' Day, Arby's, Boston University, Burger King, Charlie Sheen, Dick Smith, England, Fake Iceberg, google, Horse Meat, Huffington Post, Internet, Joseph Boskin, Kremvax, Left-Handed Burgers, Lung Powered Device, Madison Capital Times, New York Mets, Oranges, Pi is Exactly 3, Pope Gregory XIII, Porky Bickar, Sidd Finch, Spinach, Taco Bell, Taco Liberty Bell, The Daily Mail, The Dark Knight, vodka swimming pool, Whopper, Wisconsin, World War I