“I weep for the future.”
~That like, assholish matre ’d in “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off”
Let’s take a moment to talk about the children. Most of our staff never really had what most people would consider a “conventional childhood.” We never had the opportunity to learn how to play 4 square or hopscotch, we just learned the vintages of actual Scotch. We never got to run in the park and skin our knees, we had to learn how to effectively run a craps table (apparently a well trained 10 year old craps dealers is a goldmine for an underground casino). We didn’t get a chance to play Little League baseball, we had to go straight to the majors (the kid from “Rookie of the Year” just joined our staff).
Pictured Above: The Last Time the Cubs Won the World Series
Children offer a unique perspective for us, since we never had a point where we thought like them. When we were six years old, our parents would be concerned if we weren’t belligerently drunk. But when we ask parents why their kid seems so distressingly sober, they just seem to get upset and say things like, “You’re joking right?” and, “What do you mean that a child’s natural state is drunk?” and “You poured what into his apple juice?” and “Get out of here you monster or we’re going to call the police.” It’s baffling.
One day during lunch, our staff was all outside, horsing around and playing our staff-only game of “Kick in the dick, Punch in the tit,” where our female staffers punch each other in the breasts, and the male staffers kick each other in the groin. Come to think of it, no one knows why we play it, and no one particularly enjoys it. But, anyway, as a combination of masculine and feminine voices were shouting, in unison, “KICK IN THE DICK!” and “PUNCH IN THE TIT,” we looked over to see a small group of children had gathered, and were mimicking our every move. Sure, their form was sloppy (the key is to pivot your standing foot during the kick if you really want to try to shatter something) but they were just like little clones. Moldable tiny people.
“AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” (Picture unrelated)
There are many theories about what children are. Tiny people with heads that are proportionally too large for their bodies. “Our future.” The continuation of our species. Lab experiments. We’ve heard it all, and we at America Fun Fact of the Day feel that there is a simple way to think about children.
They are something we have to stop. Children are, in fact, our future, but you know who the future muscles out? The goddamn present. That’s right. In thirty years, those snot nosed kids are going to be the ones to make fun of us for being so “old fashioned” we can’t even adjust our F chip setting to work on more than 5 Farmville accounts, and they’ll say shit like, “Haha, yahoo? What the hell, grandpa, are you living in the 20th century?” Those fucking kids. They’re just waiting for the right moment to muscle us out and form the Republic of, I don’t know, Digimon or whatever (do kids still like Digimon? No? Dammit). So no matter how much we attempt to mold them into little, obedient, groin kicking servants, it won’t make a lick of difference. They’re out to get us. So, before they run us out and change the AFFotD into like, a goddamn Justin Bieber fan page or some shit, we’re going to get our licks in at these brats.
Some people say “Children are the future,” others say, “The future is now.” We say “The future…must be stopped.”
Hey, don’t let poor execution muddle your opinion of a solid idea
The reason why we’re going on this for so long is that we stumbled across an article from Scholastic Magazine. Back in our day, Scholastic Magazine was just that place that sent out those book order forms where you could ignore all the “educational” books and just get yourself a book of Calvin and Hobbes (is it the most American comic, or is it the most American comic?) for like 5 bucks. Apparently now they’re asking kids shit like, “What does it mean to be American.”
Well we got news for you, kids. It’s not your time yet, it is our time. So let’s savagely immolate your opinions, AFFotD style, in today’s fun fact…
America Fun Fact of the Day Insults the Shit Out of a Lot of Kids Who Can’t Defend Themselves (But It’s Okay Because They’re After Our Jobs, and are Stupid)