“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”
~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson
As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American. And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks. And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds. But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.
Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent. We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings. And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party. When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application. We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did. An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.
“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy! Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here. Tittays! Wooo! Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies. Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ. So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo. So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude. Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent. Yeah. Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”
Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear. We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey. And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham. We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.
But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test. One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American. It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.
And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz. You can keep score at home. A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5. Here we go again.