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Tag Archives: Bratwurst
“I mean, how do I…finish this? It’s EVERYWHERE.”
~Consumers of the following
Hamburgers are a wonderful. We’ve often explained why in great detail. We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world. Hamburgers are wonderful.
That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.
Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries. Some are fancy, some are plain. Some are tofu. All are delicious. Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad. No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done. We’ll wait.
Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy. That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer. Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there? Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article. But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…
The 10 Messiest Burgers In America
“Goddamn it, no, we’re not putting the Puppy Bowl on the other television, stop asking.”
~American Super Bowl Party Hosts
Over the years, the Super Bowl has gone from a half-assed sporting event where shit like “a team has to re-do their kickoff because the cameras missed it” happened to national event of such great importance that not even an appearance by the Black Eyed Peas can stop people from tuning in. The Super Bowl is an American holiday, Monday hangovers be damned.
Yes, the Super Bowl is like New Year’s Eve’s older, cooler brother that smokes cloves out in the high school parking lot. New Year’s Eve carries impossible expectations, expensive drink specials, and a surprising lack of giant men concussing each other. The Super Bowl takes all the best parts of New Years (booze, shitload of parties), throws in a lot more unhealthy food (can we get a what what for 7-layered bean dip?), and centers it around a football game that is so brilliantly produced that even people who hate sports will come to your party to “watch commercials” (which is code word for “get drunk and get hit on by your roommate’s friends”).
Now, because this day is so important in setting the tone for the month of February, and the year as a whole, it is your personal duty as the American with the largest HD TV among your friends to host a viewing party so grand that it would cause a Frenchman to shame-spiral into watching Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette on repeat while sobbing into a bottle of anti-freeze. And that’s where we are here to help, by presenting you with…
America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide to American Super Bowl Parties
“I need this inside of me.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
AFFotD tries to stay on the forefront of the unhealthy cuisine community. That is to say, we drink a lot, and after about that sixth beer you start getting the drunk hungers, and Burger King hamburgers get really boring after a while (This post is sponsored in part by Wendy’s. With six sides to choose from with each of our twelve value meals, you’ll never get tired of it! Look out for their new slogan. Wendy’s: So many choices, but you know you’re going to get the spicy chicken sandwich with a small side of the chili.) So when we hear about a new food out there that is ridiculous, and hopefully completely unhealthy, we unfasten our ethanol IVs and brave the DTs to seek them out.
That’s how we happened to stumble (and shake because, oh the shakes, oh God the shakes) upon a little Brat store in Hugo, Minnesota who reluctantly decided to give a massive middle finger to cuisine common sense, and made something so amazing that you’re not legally allowed to cook it sober.
That’s right those of you with good eyesight and a willingness to squint to read what the package says in the photo above. Gummy. Bear. Brats. Bratwurst made with gummy bears. It might sound too good to be true, but that’s just because a life of harsh reality has all but destroyed your capacity for carefree imagination, because this shit is as real as your probation officer.
It is to Bratwurst what the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich was to Chicken Sandwiches: A total game changer!
That’s right America, we are here (with the financial backing of Wendy’s, home of the best French Fries fast food has to offer!) to tell you the story of a little shop that could. Clog arteries. With meat and candy. Remember in the 1990’s when that only-okay song, Sex and Candy, came out? God that decade was a mess. But yeah, you guys! Meat and candy! Together! Sponsored by Wendy’s! We really needed the money!
Wendy’s! Their executives are gentle kissers and don’t mind if you’re crying during! Continue reading