Tag Archives: Best Bloody Marys

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

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Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

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America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

“It’s never too early to drink so long as it tastes good with brunch.”

~Everyone

We’re not trying to call anyone out here, but some Americans don’t know how to hold their shit.  They’ll drink a mere ten or fifteen drinks on a Saturday night, sleep from 4AM until that point where their body finished metabolizing all of the alcohol in their system, at which point they just moan about their “hangover” and sip something like coffee or water or “Oh dear God put that shot of Everclear away why would you think that would be something I’d want to drink right now, Jesus Christ, you guys, I quit, go find yourself another photoshop editor, I can’t handle this office environment, I’ve blacked out and not remembered going to sleep every night for the past three months, the doctor told me if I don’t quit here soon I’d probably suffer liver failure within the week.  Goddamn you all to hell.”

As we said, some people are lightweights. Also, Gary, don’t bother listing us as a reference for your job search.  Photoshop guys are to AFFotD what drummers were to Spinal Tap, you’re lucky you didn’t spontaneously combust, you damn teetotaler.

Where were we?

Oh yes.  Most real Americans know that, when you wake up with a hangover, the best way to cure that is to order a nice, strong alcoholic drink that preferably won’t lead to the social worker going, “For the love of God, it’s ten in the morning, why are you taking shots of tequila?”  That’s why we invented the Bloody Mary, a way to get drunk while pretending that tomato juice has more health benefits than “a shitload of salt.”

The Bloody Mary, known as “The world’s most complex cocktail,” is as American as apple pie.  More American, actually, because we put booze in it.  And it’s our pleasure to pour ourselves a nice tall glass of hangover-ridding goodness, punch various letters at google until it begs for mercy, and present you with…

America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

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