“Guys, you have to stop. Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”
~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America. The reasons behind this should be readily apparent. After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor. We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute. Oh how naive we once we, how innocent. That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”
With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.” Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?
America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys
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Posted in Strange Alcohol
Tagged $60 Checkmate, Absurd Bloody Marys, America, Best Bloody Marys, Bloody Ceasar, Bloody Mary, Bloody Marys, Bloody Masterpiece, Canada, Chicago, Chicago Style Hot Dog, Clamato, Craziest Bloody Marys, Dallas, Fuck Brunch Bloody Mary, Jimmy Green's, Jimmy Green’s Stoli Jumbo Bloody Mary, Milwaukee, O’Davey’s Bloody Mary, Sliders, Sobelmans, Sumo Mary, Sunda, vodka, Wisconsin, Wisconsin Bloody Mary
“Goddamn it, I knew Chicago would win. Those bastards.”
~The, like, four New Yorkers who actually were upset that the New York-style hot dog was so low on this list
When we began our trek through America’s regional hot dogs, we were legitimately worried. We had just finished writing about 11,000 words talking about long bread sandwiches, and it literally tore families apart and drove half of our staff to insanity. And we were going to immediately follow that nightmare up with a systematic breakdown of hot dog styles? Did we have a death wish outside of our normal “eating and drinking so much that interventions pretty much have become a part of our weekly schedule” death wish?
As it turns out, the task wasn’t quite so daunting. Most hot dog styles follow a pretty basic blueprint. Talking about the different regional kinds of, say, chili dogs requires about as much research as talking about various pizza toppings. New Jersey wanted to put chili on their hot dog. Georgia puts their chili dog in a bowl. Pennsylvania likes to name things from Pennsylvania after Texas. It’s not exactly academic research, but it is hot dogs, so it’s still worth our attention our affection. And these four hot dogs remaining are the ones we love the most. So let’s dig in.
Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 4
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Posted in AFFotD Special Features, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, Chicago, Chicago Style Hot Dog, chili dog, Cincinnati, Cincinnati Chili, Coney Island, Coney Island Hot dog, Detroit, Don't Put Ketchup On Your Hot Dog, Hot Dog, hot dogs, Hot Wiener, hot wieners, Never Put Ketchup on a Hot Dog, New york System, Phoenix, Regional Hot Dogs, Sonoran, Sonoran Hot Dog, Tucson
“Hoootttt…..Dooooooggggggsssssss….*drops a snowglobe*”
~Orson Wells’ last words
Americans truly are champions of unhealthy food, as we’ve documented time and time again. With each American cuisine comes another foolproof method for us to gain incredible weight without having to suffer through eating anything that is not amazingly delicious. Steaks, hamburgers, fried food and beer, all of these have been hoisted by the America Fun Fact of the Day staff as symbols of our greatness. We are a land of temptation, and as the antagonist-character-who-is-a-thinly-veiled-metaphor-for-the-Devil-in-a-Christian-“movie”-made-by-a-Megachurch would tell us, “Sin is in”.
But one American food stands head and shoulders above all else, something that is delicious, high in fat, calories, sodium, nitrates, and suicide bomber white blood cells. A food that, eaten alone, is already terribly unhealthy for you, but is expected to be combined with deep fried starches. A food that should be filling, but where eating two, or even three, over the course of a baseball game is no big deal. A food so American that every year we have competitions to see who can cram the most down our throat, and when a Japanese person dared to claim the world record, an American trained himself, Rocky style, to kick his ass by setting new world records each year.
We are of course talking about the reason why American health care is so expensive, the Hot Dog.
Just because it’s phallic does not make us gay to want to have sex with this right now.
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