Welcome to New Russia, Comrades!

“Everything fine.  Did you hear that North Korea now make all men have same cut hair?  Very crazy.  Ignore Crimea.”

~American Fun Facts of Day Website?

 putin leering

Greetings, frightened Americans.  It is I, Vladimir Putin, your favorite shirtless leader and “badass president” punch line.  I am to make time in addressing a few rumors regarding my government and our misappropriation of funds, so call “hostile invasions” of “sovereign governments,” and various radiation poisonings that I may or may not have had knowledge of.  Listen, Russia is very different country, country of pride, winter, vodka, stray dogs and, yes, lethal amounts of polonium-210 lying around as you Americans would say, “Willy nilly.”

But I am not here to converse at you with such things, American puppets, I mean to say citizens.  I am here to make announcement that your American President has graciously decided to step aside and let me run the day to day operations of your little nation.  After a simple search on your “Google” I have made assumption that this “America Fun Fact of the Day” is your nation’s official media mouthpiece, considering how much they talk of things as excessive drinking, unhealthy foods, and sandwiches.  As such will use it as the platform to inform you all that you have nothing to fear.  Do not think of me as a ruthless former KGB agent who sanctions assassinations, or a threat to human rights everywhere, just think of me as Uncle Vlad, the cool leader who drinks vodka and hunts tigers.  Remember how much you liked me when I was doing that and not sending feminists to prison for singing mean songs about me?

putin tiger

It was delicious.

Yes, isn’t that picture great?  Don’t you wish you had a leader who would do things like that?  Well, guess what, you do now comrades.  I mean to say citizens.

…I mean to say comrades.

horse putin

Much like this horse, I shall tend to you, heterosexuals of America. 

Much like Crimea, your America is filled with literally thousands of people who consider themselves to be Russian, so it is on this day that we welcome them, and the remaining 300 million in your country, back to Mother Russia.  To facilitate this transition, we have asked your Johnny Roosevelt to ensure all of his content is of a friendly to Russia nature.  There will still be articles of vodka, but no more writings of hamburgers or luxurious food, since these novelty items will only be available to my friends the richest oligarchs of the new bureaucracy that shall replace your “Congress” and “Senate.”

putin swim

My first official order will be the assassination of Michael Phelps.  Photo unrelated.

So, New Russia, let me be the first to welcome you to Mother Russia and promise years of glory, bread lines, and meteors exploding over towns as God’s way of showing his extreme disappointment in my actions and attitudes.  Now for picture of me riding shark.

putin riding a shark

Obey me.

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