Tag Archives: Basketball

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams

“I don’t see why no one took our team seriously.”

~Owner of the Memphis Houn’Dawgs

aba patch

Obviously by this point we’ve made enough jokes about the American Basketball Association that we don’t really need an intro to this article.  So, sure, you might think we’ve covered it all, from the league’s history to its current and former teams.  Except, remember, this is a league that has 350 teams disappear in its short history.  So of course there are a lot more former teams than current teams.  A lot lot more.  Here are the last teams we’ve decided to make fun of in this silly, unnecessary, wonderful league. 

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

“If someone forms an ABA team, but no one watches it, does the team exist?”

~Famous ABA Proverb

aba logo

We’ve posted a few articles so far telling you about the revived American Basketball Association, with its hundreds of teams and its general lawlessness.  Many of you have responded, “So what, why do you care so much about this league that no one watches,” to which we say you clearly aren’t drunk enough to get it, man.  But seriously, this league is hilarious, and we love it, so we’re going to continue talking about it until we run out of absurd teams to talk about.

In this particular instance, we skimmed through the 350+ teams that have formed and disbanded in the league’s 17-year history to find the ones that are particularly hilarious to us.  And so we present part three of our four-part series on the new and improved (?) ABA.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

“Cool, I own a semi-pro basketball team!  Oh wait, nevermind…”

~ABA Team Owner

 aba logo

The American Basketball Association, or ABA, was a major professional league that competed against the NBA until the two leagues merged in 1976.  The American Basketball Association, or ABA, is also a semi-pro basketball minor league founded in the year 2000 that is, just, lol.  These are very different leagues.  Now, yes, the new ABA was co-founded by Richard Tinkham, one of the co-founders of the original American Basketball Association, and sure, they pay players to play basketball, but otherwise, the similarities stop there. Since its founding, the new and not-really-improved ABA has weathered an NBA lawsuit and the folding of over 350 teams, which is a success rate that you’d expect more from open heart surgery in the 19th century than  from viable semi-professional sport franchises.

But this weird, unique, American Basketball Association, for all its nuances, is truly America at its finest. It’s democratic, letting just about any asshole buy their own basketball team…which they often do.  It’s also unlike anything we’ve ever seen before in semi-pro leagues, and we say that as a website that has written multiple articles about the myriad of indoor football leagues in our fine nation.

But this one is going to take a bit longer to unpack.  Four articles, in fact.  One to tell you about the league.  One to tell you about the teams.  And two to tell you about the comically ridiculous teams that tried, and failed, to become successful franchises in the ABA.  Because, oh boy, there are a lot of those.  A lot.  Let’s dive in to the most insane basketball league ever invented.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

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America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”

~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event

Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading.  We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names.  We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight.  It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it.  That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America.  Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst.  Okay most of them are just plain awful.  Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?

America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

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[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long.  He fled our confines and how did we reward him?  We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza.  It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th


As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are.  That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda.  So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like.  We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right.  Women’s Soccer.  Ugh.  The hell is this bullshit?  That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA!  USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

 

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Gary Mays, One Armed American Hero

“Arms are for pussies.”

~Gary Mays

A lot can be established about how great of an American you are by the nickname you’re able to earn.  Andrew Jackson was called “Old Hickory” because he beat the shit out of people with a hickory cane.  Hawkeye on M*A*S*H got his nickname due to a book that, though we’ve not read because, come on, we assume has to be about killing Indians since it’s called “The Last of the Mohicans.”  Lou Gehrig was called “The Iron Horse” because that’s just fucking awesome.

We here at AFFotD try, with limited success, to fashion appropriately badass American nicknames.  One of our staff writers just goes by “Hood” because he wears a hood over his head every day, which is sort of annoying, but the name stuck at least.  One of our accountants tried to get people to call him Fucksaw, but that never caught on.  Kiefer Sutherland only goes by the nickname “Jack fucking Bauer” and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And when it comes to nicknames, and Americans, few top that of Gary “Bandit” Mays, a man who managed to get the awesome nickname normally only reserved for Burt Reynolds without having ever played professional sports.  Of course, this two sport athlete, who went toe-to-toe with Elgin Baylor, was a top prep star catcher who was a finalist for finalist for Washington D.C.’s best baseball prep star of the year, was unable to find luck in the big leagues, due to the prejudices of the world in the 1950’s.  As a black man, he was subjugated and unable to show his potential to the world.

He also had only one fucking arm, but trust us when we say that racial prejudice was the only thing that held him back.

Stub!

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Chewing Gum, Surprisingly American, Reliably Delicious

“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”

~William S. Burroughs


 Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention.  While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two).  But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.

First, ask yourself a question.  Who makes chewing gum?  Wrigley’s of course.  And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play?  Wrigley Field.

Did you know:  Those two are named after the same fucking guy.

Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…

Chewing Gum:  More American than your immigrant grandparents

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