Tag Archives: Chewing Gum

“Damn, this guy is GOOD…”

~Mel Gibson

AFFotD tries its best to stay topical.  We addressed the world to the dangers of blizzards just as the Midwest and the East Coast were being buried in ten foot snow drifts, while at the same time introducing the newest trendy bar beverage (Hot Bo-Co) that, we swear, is like two weeks from taking off.  We re-introduced the world to Teddy Roosevelt because he’s always relevant.  We talked about chewing gum, which is good for after you drink to the point of puking.  But today, AFFotD is going to try to go really recent, and rehash the conversations you had with all your coworkers yesterday.  That’s right, we’re going to celebrate the unique brand of American insanity that can only be seen in certain American celebrities.  And not just any celebrity, today AFFotD celebrates and documents the deconstruction of a man so thoroughly nuts he may go down as the craziest man in the history of Hollywood.  And we couldn’t be any prouder of him.  Take a bow, Charlie Sheen.

You’ve come a long way, kid

 There’s no need to chronicle the life and career of Charlie “Oh yeah, he did a couple good comedies in the 1990’s and then he started doing that shitty show” Sheen.  In fact, after his peak (Major League II/Hotshots) Sheen’s been seeing his America stock oscillate, but fall steadily.  He married the naked chick from Wild Things, but wasn’t able to hold onto her, and he diluted all American respect we can afford the man’s career by doing eight years of truly awful slop for Two and a Half Men, somehow becoming the highest paid actor on television, something so offensive to us that Kiefer Sutherland almost quit the AFFotD staff out of protest.  Because seriously, fuck that show.

And yet the very same people who are watching this are insisting that waterboarding is torture.

 While we cannot say that Charlie Sheen and his “Holy shit, you can tell where they tried to airbrush away the crazy in the above picture” career distinguishes him to be a true American, we can at least relish in America’s ability to create such a glorious example of insanity, vanity, and, just, like so many drugs, you guys.  A man who his both crazier and less qualified to run a youth hockey league team than his brother, Emilio Estevez, yet is somehow far more rich and famous.

So let’s go through the fame, fortune, drugs, and crazy that is Charlie Sheen, an insane abomination America molded so the rest of us could all have a nice laugh at the man’s expense.

Warning:  If you are pregnant, nursing, have a heart condition, are allergic to penicillin, or once had a really bad LSD trip that you sometimes still have nightmares about, you may want to do yourself a favor and skip to the picture of the puppies at the end of this article.  Go ahead, we won’t hold it against you.

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