“Crush up aspirin with vodka to make an exfoliating facial scrub!”
~Crazy person/”Life Hacker”
The internet has changed culture the world as we know it at a blinding pace. Back in the day (everyone over the age of 26 will say while swaying hypnotically on a rocking chair) before internet was everywhere, things were different. We’d use a phone book to call businesses, bar arguments about which Bond movie had Christopher Walken as the villain ended in frustrating stalemates (both parties were wrong, the answer is A View to Kill, not Moonraker or Octopussy), and pornography had to be purchased in magazine form with a cashier taking your money as you shyly avoid eye contact. It was a simpler time.
Ever since the Internet has become the all-encompassing entity that will someday eventually spell our species’s doom, it has brought a lot of information into our everyday lives that we would never have known otherwise. Sure, 90% of this information has to do with sexual fetishes that we wish we didn’t know existed, but it also means that the combined human experience can be distilled into life hacks; little common sense cheats that make life easier and make you say, “Oh, of course, why didn’t I think of that?”
“Oh my God, that somehow manages to be ingenious and depressing at the same time!”
Roughly 70% of life hacks are about either fingernail painting techniques, amplifying the volume of music played on your iphone, or freezing things that aren’t water to make things cold without watering it down, but all life hacks, when done right, make you go, “Oh shit! That’s kind of cool!” even though you’re almost guaranteed to do nothing with this newly acquired information. And they are cool! The first time you hear that Chinese take-out boxes can be folded out into plates, you lose your fucking mind for half a second. And when we finally realized that the markings in Solo cups measures your serving size for shots, beer, and wine, a few of our staff members actually wept out of sheer joy.
However, for every game changing life hack, there are others that, well, let’s just say, were explicitly designed by people who would sneak into your bathroom and replace your mouthwash with castor oil, because they’re, well, they’re crazy. They’re crazy people.
The Worst Life Hacks (Invented By Crazy People)
“My apartment is filled with them! Broken umbrellas, as far as the eye can see!”