“What? Is that like, a cooking show or something?”
~The Average American Response to the Pan American Games
As roughly two of you already knew, this year saw the 17th Pan American Games take place in Toronto. 41 nations in the Americas competed, with America leading the way with 103 gold metals and 265 total metals. Many of you might not be familiar with the Pan American games, and that is because, like most red blooded Americans, you only can muster up enthusiasm for the Olympics, which is understandable. If you’re going to try to give a shit about track and field more often than once every four years, you’d better have just married a hot wife with a high school aged son from a previous marriage who you try to support in order to make him begrudgingly like and respect you (sorry, though, no matter how hard you try, he totally won’t).
For most American athletes, the Pan Am games are a way to clean up and snag a lot of metals when you only have to worry about going up against 2 of the 6 continents that field athletes competitively in international competitions. And for most Cubans, the Pan Am games are a way to defect the fuck out of Cuba. However, for a relatively inconsequential (as far as the typical American sports fan is concerned) competition, the history of the Pan Am games are both deeply interesting and kind of unintentionally hilarious. And never in the 64 years that this sporting event has been held has there been more unintentional hilarity as the first ever Pan American games to be hosted in the United States.
Because, holy shit, Chicago had no idea what it was getting itself into when it tried to plan an entire international competition in less than two years, and as a result, history will always have the wonderful train wreck that is…
The 1959 Chicago Pan American Games: The Most Hilarious International Competition Of All Time
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Athletes, Strange America
Tagged 1959 Pan Am Games, America, Chicago, Chicago Pan American Games, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Mayor Daley, Milton Eisenhower, Olympics, Pan Am Games, Pan American, Pan American Games, the Pan Am games
“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”
Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.” The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses. It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.
As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.
AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide
Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Archery, China, Dressage, England, Fencing, Judo, Olympics, Sailing, Skeet Shooting, Soccer, Summer Olympics, Table Tennis
“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]
Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA
~Johnny Roosevelt, After Being Poked By a Stick
Cinco de Mayo was pretty rough on the higher ups here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. We’re not here to name names, but certain descendants of certain badass presidents tried to see if they could chug an entire bottle of Tequila. It didn’t work out too well.
Here’s the thing about Tequila- unlike Whiskey, which is a cultivated art form in America, Tequila is a foreign liquor that invades American livers like, uh…some sort of liver termites? That’s gross. Like we said, Tequila does weird things to American minds.
We woke up and this was our damn screensaver
Anyway, when we’re not mentally able to give you an informative fact, we always have one Sunday tradition to fall back on…no, not church. It’s…
The American Events on the American Day of May 8th
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 1984 Olympics, 1984 Olympics Boycott, America, Coca-Cola, Draft, March 8 Fun Fact, March 8 in History, Mexican-American War, Olympics, Paramount, Paramount Pictures, Post Office, Soviet Union, Today in American History