“I’m not even surprised at this point. Just sad.”
The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here. And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games. He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.
And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan. By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game. We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.
Posted in Japan, [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Breathalyzer, Japan, Liquor, Megan Rapinoe, Oprah Winfrey, Redacted, Spanish, Team USA, USA, Women's World Cup, World Cup
“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]
Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA